The Very Secret LiveJournals
by Arrmaitee
Summary: NEW CH 8! SLASH, PARODY! These raunchy journals expose the burning secrets of Hogwarts' students & staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!
1. Oliver Wood

**_The Very Secret LiveJournals_**

by

**_Arrmaitee_****__**

_Inspired by and Dedicated to_  
_Cassandra Claire****_

**SUMMARY:**

SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts' sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry's eyes, Draco's cherry, Wood's panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!

**DISCLAIMERS:**

_The Very Secret LiveJournals_ is RATED R and includes every SHIP imaginable, including lots of SLASH!

This parody is not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with Cassandra "Cassie" Claire, her _Lord of the Rings_ fan fiction series, _The Very Secret Diaries_, or her LiveJournals, _Cassieclaire_and_ Epicyclical_. This parody is also not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with Liz Bardawill or her continuing saga of _The Very Secret Diaries_ entitled_ Bardvahalla's Very Secret Journals._

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* * *

****

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by******

**Oliver Wood**

**1991-92**

**POST 1:** Started fifth year.   
Captain of the Quidditch Team.   
We royally suck!   
Will kill self.   
God, I'm hot!

**Current Mood:** Need Prozac

**_Comments:_** _None_

**Reply:** Nobody loves me…  
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 2: **Minerva pulled me from class.   
Met Potter… THOSE EYES!   
Okay, he's only eleven.   
But he's supposed to be a natural on a broomstick!   
Could teach him new moves…   
_Not those kind._

**Current Mood:** Heated

**_Comment:_** _Wood, I need you to mentor Potter. _  
_Take him under your wing. _  
_Show him the ropes… _  
**_- Minerva_**

**_Comment:_** _With his equipment, you could use twine._   
**_- Malfoy_**

------------------

**POST 3: **Rope, twine, whatever…  
Potter is a natural on his Nimbus 2000.   
He would make a great beater!   
And I have just the shaft for him to beat…

**Current Mood: **Horny

**_Comment:_** _Wood, you're sick! Sick! SICK!!! _  
_LEAVE HARRY ALONE!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **Aren't you supposed to be studying, or something?   
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 4: **She's right. I must snap out of it!   
I am not attracted to an eleven year old!   
I am not attracted to an eleven year old!   
No… really… I'm not!   
I just like the way he… THOSE EYES!

**Current Mood: **Still horny

**_Comment:_** _I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT to seduce him…_  
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **How about a three-way?   
**- Wood**

**_Comment:_** _Oh, shut it!_   
**_- Hermione_**

------------------

**POST 5: **It looks like all of my dreams have come true!  
Will he mind if I call him Harry?   
He's my secret weapon.   
What's the legal age of consent?

**Current Mood: **Even hornier

**_Comment:_** _It's sixteen, you pervert!!! _  
_I'm going to Professor Dumbledore as soon as I _  
_finish my Transfiguration assignment… _  
_and History of Magic… and Potions! _  
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** Just wait until I spam _your_ LiveJournal!   
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 6: **I just need a good breeze under my kilt…

**Current Mood: **Left my panties at home…

**_Comment:_**_ PANTIES?!!!_   
**_- Ron _**[blushing severely]__

**Reply: **Hey, it's better than Fred's second-hand briefs!   
**- Wood**__

**_Comment:_**_ Wood, enough about your… undergarments._   
_Hermione dropped by my office… very concerned. _  
_She's a bit hypersensitive._   
_She almost cursed me when I ATTEMPTED…_  
**_- Dumbledore_**

------------------

**POST 7: **Quidditch practice went well.   
Potter caught the snitch.   
And all I caught was herpes…   
Damn twins…   
Or was it Minerva?   
Where's that fucking breeze?

**Current Mood: **Windy

**_Comment:_** _It was the twins!_   
**_- Minerva_**

**_Comment:_** _You fucked Professor McGonagall?!!!_   
**_- Fred and George_**

**Reply:** Hey, I'm not the ones committing _twincest_!   
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 8: **Continued Quidditch training.   
Harry seems strangely attracted to me…   
And Fred…   
And George…   
And Angelina…   
And Katie…   
And the bludger.   
Can we all take turns?

**Current Mood: **Inquisitive

**_Comment: _**_Hey, what about me?_   
**_- Ginny_**

**Reply: **You're not in the story until Book Two…  
**- Wood**__

**_Comment:_**_ What?! I'm calling my agent! _  
_I'm calling my fucking agent!_   
**_- Ginny _**

------------------

**POST 9: **Match against Slytherin tomorrow.   
Gave rousing speech.   
Moved everyone.   
Some people even left for the loo…

**Current Mood: **Still not attracted to Potter!

**_Comment:_**_ Great speech, Wood! _  
_Good luck tomorrow… _  
_D'you__ know where Poppy is?_   
_Maybe I'll get lucky, too…_  
**_- Madam Hooch_**

------------------

**POST 10: **I'm so pretty… oh so pretty…   
Okay, back to the Quidditch match.   
Must Keep! Damn, I'm good!   
Whoa! Potter caught the Snitch.   
He swallowed it.   
He swallows?!!!

**Current Mood: **Naughty

**_Comment:_** _He swallows?_   
**_- Filch_**

**_Comment:_** _I thought he spit it out…_  
**_- Hagrid_**

**_Comment:_** _Oh, he definitely swallows…_  
**_- Percy_**

------------------

**POST 11: **No more talk of swallowing!   
Must train.   
Harder! Harder!   
Why does everything have to sound pornographic?   
Must be ready for the next match!   
Turns out Snape will be the referee.   
Hate Snape…   
Despite the fact that he's deceptively alluring.

**Current Mood:** Need more Prozac

**_Comment:_** _I'll fill your bloody prescription!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** Does anyone have any arsenic?   
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 12: **Match against Hufflepuff.   
We won!   
Fucked Potter.   
Just kidding.   
Hermione would curse me if I ATTEMPTED…  
Shagged Snape instead...   
Why d'you think we won?

**Current Mood: **Sore

**_Comment:_** _And I always thought you were a top…_  
**_- Fred _**[a bit miffed]**__**

**_Comment:_** _Not anymore._   
**_- Severus_**__

------------------

**POST 13: **Harry is eleven years,   
Six months,   
Eighteen days,   
Five hours,   
Two minutes,   
And fifty-four seconds old…  
What's the legal age of consent?

**Current Mood:** Conniving

**_Comment:_** _I said it was sixteen!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **Note to self – must have Minister change age of consent…  
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 14: **Harry was acting very secretive lately.   
I thought Fred and George double-teamed him…  
Turns out he's just searching for some rock.

**Current Mood: **Inquisitive

**_Comment: _**_Yeh__ know 'bout the Sorcerer's Stone?!!!_   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply: **Well, now I do…  
**- Wood**

**_Comment: _**_Blimey, but yeh didn't know that, if Harry finds _  
_the Stone, all of the underage students at Hogwarts will sudd'nly_  
_become sixteen years-old so tha' they can shag each other_  
_sens'less__ in the next four books w'thout the author bein' _  
_flamed fer bein' a twisted, sick degenerate fuck! Oops, I_  
_shouldn'ta__ said that!_   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply: **But he is a twisted, sick degenerate fuck! He has me wearing panties!   
He has me bottoming for Snape! He has me… **_CENSORED_**  
**- Wood**

**_Author's Note: Look, if Fanfiction.net can do it, so can I…_**

------------------

**POST 15: **Harry was hospitalized after finding the Sorcerer's Stone  
and saving the Wizarding World from the wrath of…  
Wait a minute…   
Holy fuck! We're all sixteen!!!   
That means…   
Oh, Harry!!!! Wanna play 'hide the sausage?'

**Current Mood:** Bouncy

**_Comment: _**_I WILL curse you if you even ATTEMPT!_  
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** But he's sixteen!!!   
**- Wood**

**_Comment: _**_He's also comatose…_  
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **Can't I even cop a feel?   
**- Wood**

------------------

**POST 16: **We got slaughtered by Ravenclaw in Quidditch.   
Potter missed the last match.   
I failed all of my O.W.L.s.   
Life sucks.   
Will kill self.   
God, I'm hot!

**Current Mood: **Must switch to Xanax.

**_Comment:_** _But I just got Poppy to fill your old prescription!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** Honey, take two pills with a tall glass of water every morning.   
You need Prozac more than I do…  
**- Wood**

------------------------------------------------------

**_Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**Harry Potter**

**POST: **Went to zoo.   
Liberated snake.   
Did not find snake attractive…   
Really… I didn't…

**Current Mood:** Relieved

**_Comments:_** _None _[Harry doesn't have any friends, remember…]

**Reply: **How did I get my own Very Secret LiveJournal, anyway?   
I don't own a computer…  
And the internet hasn't even been invented yet!   
_Must be_ _magic_…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment: _**_THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!_   
**_- Uncle Vernon_**

**Reply: **Oh, yeah… I forgot…  
**- Harry__**

------------------

**Draco**** Malfoy**

**POST: **Father wouldn't let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.   
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.   
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.   
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.   
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.   
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.   
Got the charge card.   
Cherry update: still intact.

**Current Mood:** Manipulative

**_Comment: _**_Cherry update?_   
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment:_** _Uh, I think he means that a well oiled phallus hasn't penetrated_  
_the terminal orifice of his alimentary canal. _  
**_- Goyle_**

**_Comment:_** _Huh? _  
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment:_** _I mean… that he hasn't lost his virginity._   
**_- Goyle_**

**_Comment:_** _Huh? _  
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment:_** _Remember when I made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**

------------------

**Madam Hooch**

**POST: **Hit on Poppy.   
Hit on Minerva.   
Hit on Sibyll.   
_Aren't there any dykes in this Hellhole? _

**Current Mood: **D'you have to ask…

**_Comment: _**_You didn't hit on me?_   
_- **Rita Skeeter**_

**Reply: **[Shudders]   
**- Madam Hooch**

------------------

**Author's Note:** Hi all, this is an experiment that Daylyn and I dreamed up on New Year's Eve! We were inspired by reading _The Very Secret Diaries_, and decided to write our own series as a parody of _Harry Potter_ fan fiction and the five _Harry Potter_ books.

**PLEASE REVIEW!  
__**


	2. Draco Malfoy

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by******

**Draco**** Malfoy**

**1991-92**

**POST 1:** Father wouldn't let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.  
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.   
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.   
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.   
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.   
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.   
Got the charge card.   
Cherry update: still intact.

**Current Mood: **Manipulative  

**_Comment: _**_Cherry update?  _  
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment: _**_Uh, I think he means that a well oiled phallus hasn't penetrated _  
_the terminal orifice of his alimentary canal. _  
**_- Goyle_**

**_Comment: _**_Huh? _  
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment: _**_I mean… that he hasn't lost his virginity._   
**_- Goyle_**

**_Comment: _**_Huh? _  
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment: _**_Remember when I made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**

------------------

**POST 2: **Met scrawny poof in Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions.    
THOSE EYES!    
Scrawny poof finds me strangely attractive.   
_I am extremely attractive!_   
I wonder if he likes to be tied up?   
Note to self – must bind scrawny poof with kinky leather goodies.

**Current Mood: **Experimental

**_Comment: _**_Umm, that's actually a belt…_  
_Not a "kinky leather goody."_   
_You're supposed to… umm… wear it… _  
**_- Madam Malkin_**

**_Comment: _**_What's a kinky leather goody?_   
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment: _**_Uh, remember when Filch made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**

------------------

**POST 3: **Met scrawny poof on Hogwarts Express…  
Merlin's beard, it's Harry Potter!   
THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!    
MY ONE TRUE WHIPPING BOY!   
I must offer him my monogrammed leather paddle!   
WHAT?!!!!!!   
He rejected MY paddle?!!!   
He accused ME of being "the wrong sort!!!"   
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!!!

**Current Mood: **Heated

**_Comment: _**_STOP!!! STOP!!!  Stop this at once!  Put that paddle down!!!_   
_I… I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT… OWW!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

------------------

**POST 4: **Arrived at Hogwarts.   
Insulted Weasley.   
Sorted into Slytherin.   
Insulted Weasley again.   
Got hit on by the Bloody Baron…  
Insulted Weas…  
Did I just get hit on by a dirty ghost?

**Current Mood: **Appalled

**_Comment: _**_I was hoping to help you with your cherry update!_   
_And I'm not dirty… I'm bloody… _  
_There's a difference!!!_   
**_- Bloody Baron _**[miffed]__

**_Comment: _**_Can a House Ghost really pop a bloke's cherry?_   
**_- Pansy _**[shrieking with laughter]****

**_Comment: _**_Why d'you think I'm called the Bloody Baron?_   
**_- Bloody Baron_**

------------------

**POST 5: **First potions class…  
Snape insulted "our new celebrity."   
Love Snape.   
Snape offered me extra credit potions assignment.   
Really love Snape.   
Must meet Snape in dungeon at midnight   
to test drive a new extra credit potion.   
Since when is Vaseline a potion?

**Current Mood: **Surprised

**_Comment: _**_Vaseline is a potion because it makes the perfect magical base _  
_for an internal exfoliating treatment.  It prevents burning and_  
_chafing and pays extra special attention to the rough spots.  _  
**_- Professor Snape_**

**_Comment: _**_And trust me, your assignment will be rough._   
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment: _**_And if you develop spots, go see Poppy. _  
**_- George_**

------------------

**POST 6: **Met Snape in dungeon for extra credit potions assignment.   
Wore leather chastity belt, just in case.   
Snape seemed rather annoyed at my leather undergarments.   
Didn't get extra credit.   
Hate Snape.

**Current Mood: **Livid

**_Comment: _**_Malfoy, if you're too virginal to use the "extra credit" potion, _  
_can I borrow it?_  _I ran out of my personal stash._   
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment: _**_You dirty whore, you're cheating on me!  _  
_You've been here less than a week!_   
**_- George_**

**_Comment: _**_I am not!  I use it for my daily… uh… massage.  _  
_And Goyle has strong hands.  _  
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment: _**_I'm sure he does… you unfaithful bastard!!!  _  
_And to think I felt guilty about making Crabbe scream real loud!!!_   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment: _**_You fucked Crabbe?!!!  You prolific slut!!! _  
_You're not getting any tonight!!!_   
**_- Fred_**

**Reply: **I really need to disable public comments on _my_ LiveJournal…  
**- Draco**

------------------

**POST 7: **First flying lesson.   
Ridiculed Longbottom.   
Stole his Remembrall.   
Potter threatened to assault me if I didn't "give it up."   
I didn't know he was _that_ kinky…  
I should ask him out on a date…  
Cherry update: will "give it up"

**Current Mood: **Hopeful

**_Comment: _**_Oh no, no, no…_  
_I already pledged your virginity to Uncle Voldie as an initiation gift…_  
_Think of yourself as a Virgin Sacrifice!_   
_The Dark Lord loves ravaging fresh meat!_   
_Why do you think I got MY Dark Mark?_  
**_ - Lucius_**

**Reply: **[gulp]   
**- Draco**

------------------

**POST 8: **Challenged Potter to a Wizard's Duel.   
This was really a pretense for our first date.   
Needed to trick filthy Mudblood into thinking it wasn't a date.   
Filthy Mudblood figured out secret plan.   
Filthy Mudblood cursed me with body-bind jinx because I ATTEMPTED.   
Hate filthy Mudblood.

**Current Mood: **Will someone say _Finite Incantatum?_ Puh-leeze!!!

**_Comment:_**_ But you stood me up!!!  You blokes are all the same…_  
**_- Harry_**

**Reply: **What're you talking about?  I'm tied to my fucking bed!!!   
**- Draco**

**_Comments: _**_None…_

**Reply: **POTTER?  GODDAMMIT! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!!!   
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE FILTHY MUDBLOOD WAS SO KINKY!!!   
**- Draco**

------------------

**POST 9: **Quidditch match:Gryffindor vs. Slytherin  
Potter hasn't spoken to me since I "stood him up."   
Potter caught the snitch.   
He swallowed it.   
He swallows?!!!

**Current Mood: **Surprised

**_Comment:_**_ Oh, he definitely swallows…_  
**_- Percy_**

**Reply: **Now I'm really going to kill that filthy Mudblood!!!   
**- Draco**

------------------

**POST 10: **Went home for Christmas.    
Potter still hasn't spoken to me.   
Damn, he holds grudges…  
Father was acting kinda funny all break.   
Fortunately I can outrun him.    
Cherry update: still intact [Thank God!]****

**Current Mood: **Relieved

**_Comment:_**_ Just wait until your initiation…_  
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**_Comment: _**_What's initiation?_   
**_- Crabbe_**

**_Comment: _**_Remember when your dad made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**

------------------

**POST 11: **Got Potter in trouble for harboring stupid dragon…  
Had to spend detention with him in Forbidden Forest.   
Hate Forbidden Forest.   
Potter finally spoke to me.   
Love Forbidden Forest.   
Finally, we had our first date.

**Current Mood: **Enamored****

**_Comment:_**_ You call that a date? You deserted me… again!!!_   
_Why does everyone always have to abandon me?_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply: **But… we ran into Uncle Voldie!   
I had to protect my… assets!   
**- Draco**

**_Comment: _**_Uncle Voldie?_   
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**POST 12: **Ha ha!  I made it through the year and I'm still a virgin.   
[inspects] Yep, cherry's still intact.   
Nobody will pop the precious!   
It's mine, Mine, MINE!!!

**_Author's Note: [Suddenly, Harry finds the Sorcerer's Stone and all of the_**  
**_underage students at Hogwarts immediately become sixteen-years-old.]_**

**POST 12 [cont.]:** Holy fuck, how did I suddenly become sixteen?   
Shit, I can't still be a virgin!   
[inspects again] Goddammit!   
My father lost his virginity at fourteen!   
People will start talking!   
Are they already talking?   
MERLIN'S BEARD!   
SOMEBODY FUCK ME!  PLEASE!!!

**Current Mood: **Desperate

**_Comments:_**_ None_

**Reply: **ANYBODY!!!  I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Potter?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Weasley?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Crabbe?  Goyle?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Professor Snape?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Bloody Baron?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply: **Uncle Voldie?

**_Comments: _**_None_

**Reply:** Dad?

------------------

**_Looking for more?  Here is an excerpt from a future posting of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**Blaise**** Zabini**

**POST: **Am I a boy?  Am I a girl?    
Am I a boy?  Am I a girl?   
Christ, I don't know whether I'm supposed to   
get a French Manicure or a French Tickler!

**Current Mood: **Perplexed

**_Comment: _**_Hey, I have no fucking clue what I am either…_  
_D'you__ wanna**…** go out on Friday night?_   
**_- Moon_**

**Reply: **You mean…[sniffle] you'd go out with… me?   
[tearful sob]I'VE FELT SO EMPTY!!!!!   
[gasp] NOW I HAVE MEANING IN MY LIFE!!!   
[deep breath] TAKE MEEEEEEEE!!!!   
**- Blaise**

**_Comment: _**_On second thought, I might have other plans…_  
**_- Moon_**

**Reply: **NNNNNNNOOOOWWWWW!!!!   
**- Blaise**

**_Comment: _**_Umm, I'm calling security…_  
**_- Moon _****__**

------------------

**Author's Note:**Hello again.  I had such a blast writing this LiveJournal!  For those who were wondering, Moon is a character who was mentioned during the Sorting Ceremony in Chapter 7 of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_.  J.K. Rowling did not indicate which whether Moon was a boy or a girl, or which House (s)he was sorted into.  Hence, (s)he's a perfect match for Blaise!

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Hogwarts' Faculty and Staff

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by******

**Hogwarts' Faculty and Staff**

**1991-92**

**Madam Hooch**

**POST:** Arrived at Hogwarts.   
Attended faculty meeting.  
Hit on Poppy.  
Hit on Minerva.  
Hit on Sibyll.  
_Aren't there any dykes in this Hellhole?!!!_

**Current Mood:** D'you have to ask?

**_Comment:_**_ You didn't hit on me!_   
**_- Rita Skeeter_**__

**Reply:** [Shudders]   
**- Madam Hooch**

------------------

**Professor McGonagall**

**POST:** Recruited Potter to be the new Gryffindor Seeker.   
THOSE EYES!   
Got hit on by Madam Hooch.   
Slapped Madam Hooch.   
Got hit on by Oliver Wood.   
Gave Wood herpes.   
I mean… it was the twins!

**Current Mood:** Conflicted

**_Comment:_**_ I knew it!!!_   
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Did not!!! I was the one that said that your _  
_STD didn't cause Wood's condition!_   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE!!!_   
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Then what do you call those warts on your arse?_   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment:_**_ THOSE ARE SPEED BUMPS!!!_   
_SPEED BUMPS!!!_   
**_- Fred_**__

**Reply:** Note to self – never, ever, ever shag Fred.   
**- Minerva**

------------------

**Madam Hooch**

**POST:** Invited Oliver Wood over for dinner.   
The conversation was… riveting.   
Wood's brief discussion of Quidditch ethics   
turned into a three hour exegesis.   
When I regained consciousness, Wood was gone.   
So were all of my panties.   
GODDAMMIT WOOD!!!!!

**Current Mood:** Furious

**_Comment:_**_ Hey, don't look at me! I'm not the twisted fuck_  
_writing this crap! I just wanted to… **CENSORED.**_**   
_- Wood_**__

**_Author's Note:  Ignore him. He's a bipolar paranoid borderline schizophrenic_  
whose been _skipping his meds…_**

**_Comment:_**_ I have not been skipping my meds! I ran out!_   
_And I still can't believe you made me… **CENSORED.**_   
**_- Wood_**__

------------------

**Professor Flitwick**

**POST:** Invited Pomona Sprout over for saucy lovefest.   
Couldn't get it up…  
Pomona's herbal remedies didn't work.   
Afraid to ask Severus for magic potion.   
Maybe I should use a charm…  
What was it?   
_Wingardium__ Erectosa?_

**Current Mood:** Frustrated

**_Comment:_**_ Isn't it WIN-gar-dee-um ERECT-oh-sa?_   
**_- Ron_**[waving his wand like a madman]__

**_Comment:_**_ No, no, no! You're going to poke someone's eye out!_   
_And you're saying it WRONG!!!!!_   
_It's win-GAAAAR-dee-um Er-ec-TOOOOH-sa!_   
_Make the GAR nice and long!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ You do it, then, if you're so clever._   
**_- Ron_**

**_Comment:_**_ WinGARdium ErectOsa!_   
**_- Hermione_**[demonstrating proper wand technique]

**Reply:** Oh, well done! Everyone see here, Miss Granger's done it!   
**- Professor Flitwick** [admiring his augmented crotch]

**_Comment:_**_ I know… I need a cold shower._   
**_- Ron_**[covering his boner and blushing severely]

**_Comment:_**_ Me too.  D'you wanna take one… together?_   
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**Professor Quirrell**

**POST:** Troll in the dungeon!   
Troll in the dungeon!   
[grabbing his newly buggered arse]   
Thought you ought to know!

**Current Mood:** Passed Out

**_Comment:_**_ Isn't the troll supposed to be… well endowed?_   
**_- Percy_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I hear it carries a big stick._   
**_- Pansy_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I went looking for the troll…_  
_I thought I could handle it…_  
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I find the troll strangely attractive._   
**_- Harry_**__

**_Comment:_**_ D'you think the troll is wearing panties?_   
**_- Wood_**__

**_Comment:_**_ That's disgusting!!!_   
_Can somebody unstrap my leather chastity belt?_   
**_- Malfoy_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I'd be happy to… unstrap it._   
**_- Professor Snape_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I am soooo going to the dungeon!_   
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ You dirty whore, the troll is mine!_   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Do you think I can help the troll with its cherry update?_   
**_- Bloody Baron_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Yeh're too late. I "updated" the troll when we had a fling last year…_  
**_- Hagrid_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Did the troll scream real loud?_   
**_- Crabbe_**__

------------------

**Albus**** Dumbledore**

**POST:** Harry discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised.   
The Mirror shows us our most desperate and deepest desire.   
Harry looked into the Mirror and saw Hermione bound and gagged,   
so that someone could finally ATTEMPT!   
Ron looked into the mirror and saw himself binding and gagging Hermione!   
I looked into the mirror and saw myself ATTEMPTING   
while Ron was busy binding and gagging Hermione with new woolen socks!

**Current Mood:** Bouncy

**_Comment:_**_ YOU'RE SICK!!! YOU'RE ALL SICK!!!!_   
_The only person who can tie me up is Snape!!!_   
_And he wouldn't LOWER HIMSELF to use socks!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**WHAT?!!!!!!!   
**_- Harry and Ron_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Well, you're not the only students that looked into the Mirror…_  
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply:** That's it… I'm moving the Mirror tomorrow!   
**- Albus**

------------------

**Rubeus**** Hagrid**

**POST:** Won dragon's egg from stranger in pub.   
The egg hatched… Norbert emerged.   
Here Norbert, Norbert, Norbert…  
Do yeh wanna play with yer Mommy?   
Mommy doesn' bite…  
OWWWW!!!!!   
No, I wasn't cheatin' on yeh…  
I jus' wanted ta heavy pet Fluffy!   
OWWWW!!!!!

**Current Mood:** Burnt

**_Comment:_**_ What kinda twisted poof wants me to call him Mommy?_   
_I think I'll burn down his hut!_   
**_- Norbert_**__

------------------

**Madam Hooch**

**POST:** Haven't been laid in six months.   
Straddled random broomstick out of desperation.   
It was Harry's Nimbus 2000!   
Well somebody had to test its aerodynamic capabilities!   
Hope he won't notice…

**Current Mood:** Sore

**_Comment:_**_ I got stuck to my broomstick during Quidditch training. _  
_I wonder why?_   
**_- Harry_**__

**Reply:** Umm… humidity?   
**- Madam Hooch **

**_Comment:_**_ In __Scotland__? In Winter?_   
**- Fred and George**

------------------

**Argus Filch**

**POST:** Crabbe got detention for making excessive noise after curfew.   
Dragged his arse into my office.   
Hung him up by his wrists from the ceiling.   
Broke out my well oiled chains.   
Broke out my whip.   
Broke out my kinky leather goodies.   
Made the little bitch call me Master Filch.   
Made him scream _REAL LOUD_!

**Current Mood:** Aroused

**_Comment:_**_ That's outrageous!!! What kinda pervert uses bondage in detention?!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ What kinda pervert names his cat Mrs. Norris?_   
**_- Ron_**__

------------------

**Professor McGonagall**

**POST:** Transfigured self into cat.   
Shagged Mrs. Norris.   
Transfigured self into ghost.   
Shagged Professor Binns.   
Transfigured self into Deputy Headmistress.   
Shagged the Headmaster.   
And the Ministry wonders why I haven't had time   
to grade my N.E.W.T.s.

**Current Mood:** Chafed

**_Comment:_**_ Can't you transfigure yourself into a lesbian?_   
**_- Madam Hooch_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I'm a lesbian._   
**_- Professor Grubbly-Plank_**__

**_Comment:_**_ You're not in the story until Book 4._   
**_- Madam Hooch_**__

**_Comment:_**_ But… but I have a six inch tongue!_   
**_- Professor Grubbly-Plank_**__

**_Comment:_**[shudders]   
**_- Madam Hooch_**__

------------------

**Madam Hooch**

**POST:** Broke into Severus' office.   
Stole Polyjuice.   
Broke into Albus' office.   
Stole random strand of hair conveniently lying around.   
Broke into Minerva's office.   
Fucked Minerva.   
I love Polyjuice!

------------------

**_Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**Neville Longbottom**

**POST:** Walked to first flying lesson.   
Found very interesting weed hidden in bushes.   
Found very interesting bong conveniently lying next to weed.   
Smoked very interesting weed in bong.   
[cough] Arrived at flying lesson.   
[cough] Climbed on broomstick.   
I'M FLYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!   
OHHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

**Current Mood:** Das some good shit!

**_Comment:_**_ Longbottom! Get down here this instant! _  
_You have fall and break your wrist so that I can take you_  
_to the infirmary and hit on Poppy!_   
**_- Madam Hooch_**

**Reply:** [cough] BUT I'M FLYYYYYYYYYING!!!!!!!!!!   
OWWW… MY WRIST!   
**- Neville**

------------------

**Lord Voldemort**

**POST:** Met Professor Quirrell in Albania.   
Kinky bastard wanted me to give him head.   
I did…

------------------

**Author's Note:**  Thanks for all of the reviews!  Before you all start flaming me, Professor Snape will get his own Very Secret LiveJournal (which is why he didn't post on this one).

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. Ron Weasley

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by******

**Ron Weasley**

**1991-92**

**POST 1: **First day of school.   
Mum said I had to get ready or I'd miss the train.   
Packed Bill's old robe…   
Charlie's old wand…   
Percy's old rat…   
Fred's old briefs…   
Er… those need to be washed!!!   
Does anyone have any detergent? ****

**Current Mood: **Grossed out

**_Comment:_**_ Detergent?  How could you?_   
_Those johns are a family heirloom!_   
_I christened them myself!_   
**_- Fred_**

**Reply: **Does anyone have any bleach?   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Bleach?  How could you?_   
_Those johns are a family heirloom!_   
_They bear the Weasley Family Crust!_   
**_- George_**

**Reply: **Does anyone have a blowtorch?   
**- Ron**

------------------

**POST 2: **Arrived at Hogwarts Express.   
Met scrawny poof with wicked scar.   
THOSE EYES!!!!!   
Bloody Hell, it's Harry Potter!   
And I think he finds mestrangely attractive!   
He even bought me chocolate frogs,   
a pack of Drooble's Best Blow Gum and   
a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!

**Current Mood: **Enamored

**_Comment: _**[biting into creamy white bean]   
_Umm… did you say these beans were EVERY flavor? _  
**_- Harry_**

**Reply: **Yeah, which flavor did you get?   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Percy's Manjuice._   
**_- Harry _**

****

**Reply: **Percy's Manjuice? That's disgusting!   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Well it doesn't taste THAT bad._   
_Kinda salty. But you get used to it._   
**_- Harry _**

**Reply: **WHAT? HARRY! That's really gross...   
Wait a minute... How would YOU know what Percy's Manjuice tastes like?   
**- Ron**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh… uh… lucky guess? _  
**_- Harry _**[blushing]

------------------

**POST 3: **Decided to impress the cocksucker withmagic spell.   
Maybe I'll turn Scabbers into a gerbil.   
Then Harry could put this stupid fat rat to some use.   
Ahem… [waving magic wand]   
_Soothing gel, remedy herbal,_   
_Turn this rat into a gerbil!_

**Current Mood: **Nothing happened.

**_Comment: _**_Are you sure that's a real spell?  _  
_Well, it's not very good, is it?_   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**_ Thank God it isn't, you stupid Mudblood bitch!!!  _  
_That'__s d__isgusting!!!_   
_I will not go where no rat has gone before!!!_   
_What do I look like, Captain Kirk?_   
_Where the fuck is Lord Voldimort?_   
**_- Scabbers_**

------------------

**POST 4: **Harry was sorted into Gryffindor.   
George suggested that we initiate the poor scrawny poof.    
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.   
56 people signed up.   
I was number 56.   
Bloody hell!  First I get Fred's second hand briefs,   
then I get his sloppy fifty-sixths!   
Why do I always get hand-me-downs?__

**Current Mood: **Frustrated

**_Comment: _**_What?!!! That's outrageous!!!_   
_I'll curse you all if you even ATTEMPT!!!_   
_That's it!  I'm jinxing the list!_   
_I'm jinxing the bloody list!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**_ Are you sure you don't want to sign up?_   
**_- Fred and George_**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh, shut it!_   
**_- Hermione_**

------------------

**POST 5: **Flitwick had erectile dysfunction.   
Hermione cast _Wingardium__ Erectosa_.   
The spell misfired.   
Harry and I got matching stiffies.   
I needed a cold shower.   
Harry wanted us to take a cold shower… together.   
Took cold shower… together.   
Harry wanted to stick _the head_… in.   
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!

**Current Mood: **That bloody hurt!

**_Comment: _**[Storming into the boy's shower and  
catching the blokes in the act]   
_Oh for heaven's sake!!!_   
_Stop!_ _Stop this at once!!! _  
_Ron, how could you?!!!_   
_Harry, take that thing outta there!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?    
We're naked!This is the boy's shower!   
[turning to Harry]   
_No wonder she doesn't have any friends…_  
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Boo hoo.  I'm gonna go cry in the Girl's Bathroom…_  
**_- Hermione _**[storming out of the shower]

**_Comment: _**_But… isn't the horny troll going to the Girl's Bathroom?_   
**_- Harry_******

**Reply: **Does that mean we have to go save her?   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Does that mean I have to take the head out?_   
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**POST 6: **Went to theQuidditch match against Slytherin.   
Harry really knows how to ride his broomstick.   
Snape really knows how to jinx Harry's broomstick.   
Hermione really knows how to set Snape on fire.   
Snape really knows how to tie Hermione up.   
I really know how to tie Hermione up.    
Harry really knows…

**Current mood: **Distracted

**_Comment: _**_Ron, pay attention to the game! _  
_Harry just caught the snitch!  _  
_He… erm… swallowed it._   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **He swallows?!!   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_Oh, he definitely swallows._   
**_- Percy_**

**_Comment:_**_ I resent that!  I spit it out!  _  
_Well, most of it…_  
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**POST 7: **Decided to teach the Deep Throat how to play Locker Room Chess.   
This is exactly like Muggle Chess except:   
a)  The figures are alive  
b)  They wear nothing but a bath towel  
c)  "The Queen" is a poof in drag  
d)  The object of the game is have your chess pieces   
shag their way across the board and deflower   
your opponent's King (who looks remarkably like Elvis)   
Harry, it's your move!

**Current mood: **Excited

**_Comment: _**_Move me!  Move me!  I want to shag some of those_  
_delicious virginal young pawns!!!_   
**_- The Bishop_**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh no, darling, move me!  _  
_I spot a bashful young knight that needs to be plucked. _  
**_- The Queen_**

**_Comment:_**_ What?!!!  That's totally barbaric!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh no, Miss Thing!! You did not just call MY royal ass barbaric!  _  
_Look at you!  You call that a hairstyle?  _  
_Honey, have you ever thought of shampooing with weed repellant?_   
_Mmmm__ hmmm… and look at those chunky thighs…._  
_Girlfriend, they have creams for THAT problem!  _  
**_- The Queen _**

**_Comment:_**_ RON, I – AM – GOING – TO – MURDER – YOU – FOR – THIS!!!!_   
_I am being insulted by a bloody chess piece!!!_   
_And look at it… the "Queen" can't even keep her falsies_  
_from popping out from behind her towel!  _  
_That's indecent!!!  There are pawns on that chessboard!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**[adjusting her towel to remedy the indecent exposure]   
_I deeply apologize if my breast baring corrupted any innocent pawns._   
_It was a wardrobe malfunction…_  
**_- The Queen_**

**_Comment:_**_ Now which one of you innocent pawns am I going to fuck?  _  
**_- The Bishop _**

------------------

**POST 8: **Hermione left for the holidays.   
Harry and I were finally alone…  
Harry wanted to play "Pop Goes The Weasel."   
This time, I was prepared!   
Slicked my delicate flower with:   
  _-  Preparation H_  
_  -  Analeze_  
_  -  Barbecue sauce_  
_  -  Orajel_  
_  -  Crisco_  
_  -  Baby oil_  
_  -  Grease_  
_  -  Vaseline_  
_  -  Butter_  
Come and get it!!!

**Current Mood: **Lubed and primed****

**_Comment: _**_Umm… nevermind._   
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**POST 9: **Went on a secret quest to find the Sorcerer's Stone.   
Hagrid told us that theStone has something to do with Nicolas Flamel.   
Who the fuck is Nicolas Flamel?   
We've looked everywhere in the library,   
but we just can't seem to find any information on him.   
Hermione suggested that we look in the Restricted Section…  
_The Restricted Section?___

**Current Mood: **Nervous****

**_Comment: _**_I love the Restricted Section!!!_   
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment:_**_ I'm sure you do, you dirty whore! _  
_No wonder my Vaseline is missing!_  
**_- George_**

**_Comment:_**_ I don't know what you're talking about!_   
_I never saw the empty canister of Vaseline_  
_that I accidentally left on the fourth shelf from the right._   
_And Crabbe had nothing to do with it…_  
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment:_**_ You prolific slut! I knew you were having some Crabbe-meat!  _  
_And you didn't even invite me!!!!  _  
**_- George_**

**Reply: **Do we really have to look in the Restricted Section?   
**- Ron**

------------------

**POST 10: **Went to theQuidditch match against Hufflepuff.   
Wore favorite jumper.  Brought pom-poms.    
Sat in front of Malfoy.  Malfoy poked me.   
I told _him_ I was saving myself for Harry.   
He told _me_ he was saving himself for Harry.   
I bitchslapped that albino fairy!   
He pulled my hair!  I leapt on top of him!

**Current Mood: **Pointed****

**_Comment: _**_Get the fuck off of me, you indigent pervert!_   
**_- Malfoy_**

**Reply: **My arse is worth twelve of yours, Malfoy!!!   
**- Ron**

**_Comment: _**_You should know, Weasley…_  
_You have to sell it to pay for your tuition!!!_   
**_- Malfoy_**

**Reply: **[ripping off Malfoy's leather chastity belt]   
It's time I gave this little bitch a cherry update!   
**- Ron**

------------------

**POST 11: **Neville stopped me from deflowering Malfoy.   
Hate Neville.   
Hermione hexed Neville with _Petrificus__ Totalus_.   
Love Hermione.   
Followed Harry and Hermione to the third floor   
to stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.   
The trap-door was guarded by Fluffy.   
Fluffy only falls asleep to music.    
Fortunately, Harry brought Hagrid's flute.   
Harry put the flute to his lips and blew…

**Current Mood: **Fluffy fell asleep****

**_Comment: _**_Great work, Harry!  Where did you learn to blow like that?_   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**_ No comment…_  
**_- Harry_ **[blushing]****

------------------

**POST 12: **Entered chamber with giant chessboard.   
Bloody hell, we need to shag our way across the room.   
I became a Knight.   
Hermione became a Rook.   
Harry became the Queen…  
Well that wasn't exactly a stretch.    
Let the game begin!

**Current Mood: **We're winning!****

**_Comment: _**_Ron, what're you doing?_   
_Put your second hand jock-strap back on!_   
_The enemy Bishop is approaching!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **I've got to be taken, Hermione!   
It's the only way Harry can checkmate the King!   
**- Ron **

**_Comment: _**_No Ron!  You can't do it!!!_   
_You promised your semi-virgin arse to me!!!_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply: **I'm sorry, mate!   
I will make the ultimate sacrifice!   
You must go on without me!   
You must save the Sorcerer's Stone!   
You must…  
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!   
**- Ron **

------------------

**POST 13: **Harry saved the Sorcerer's Stone.   
Hermione saved my semi-virgin arse.   
She hexed the bloody bishop before he could pillage my prostate!   
So now I'm sixteen years old, and I still haven't fully been plugged.   
BUGGER!  Well, maybe next year…

**Current Mood: **Hopeful

**_Comment: _**_Definitely next year!_   
**_- Harry_**

**_Comment:_**_ Absolutely not!  I will curse you if you ATTEMPT!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply: **Does anyone have any rope?   
**- Ron**

------------------------------------------------------

**_Looking for more?  Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**Percy Weasley**

**POST: **I am not a Size Queen.   
Length and girth are irrelevant.    
Size doesn't matter.   
It's the technique that counts.   
Bottomed for Marcus Flint.   
You call _THAT_ a penis???

**Current Mood: **Astonished

**_Comment: _**_I thought size didn't matter!_   
**_- Marcus_**

**Reply: **It doesn't…  
So long as you have a big dick!   
**- Percy**

------------------

**Ginny Weasley__**

**POST: **Had a huge blowout with agent over being excluded from Book 1.   
I was promised a lead, and all I got were two bloody lines!   
 "Nine and three-quarters… Mommy, can't I go…"  
"Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, oh please…"  
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!   
WHO WROTE THIS APPALLING DIALOGUE, ANYWAY?!!!!!

**Current Mood: **Fuming

**_Comment: _**_I DID, YOU PRIMA DONNA BITCH!  
**- J.K. Rowling**_

**Reply: **HOW DARE _YOU_ SPEAK TO _ME _LIKE THAT!!!!!  
I'M THE CELEBRITY, GODDAMMIT!!!!!   
-** Ginny**

**_Comment: _**_AND I'M THE BILLIONAIRE AUTHOR, SWEETHEART!  
YOU'LL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, AND YOU BETTER LIKE IT!  
** - J.K. Rowling**_

**Reply: **WHAT?!!!!!!!  ARE _YOU _THREATENING _ME_?!!!!!!  
I BLEW CHRIS COLUMBUS FOR THIS PART!!!!!   
-** Ginny**

**_Comment: _**_AND YOU'LL BE BLOWING VOLDEMORT BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU!_   
_NOW READ YOUR FUCKING LINES!_   
**_- J.K. Rowling_**__

------------------

**Author's Note:  **Thanks again for the fantastic feedback!  One reviewer read Post 5 (the "cold shower" scene) and wanted to know which "head_"_ Harry stuck in his best mate.  Well, umm, it wasn't the shower head, and it wasn't the head with the lightening bolt scar… so… umm… I hope that helps!

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	5. Severus Snape

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by******

**Severus**** Snape**

**1991-92**

**POST 1:** Welcoming feast.  
I HATE WELCOMING FEASTS!   
But the one thing I hate more than welcoming feasts are students.   
I HATE STUDENTS!   
And this year I will exact my revenge.   
I WILL DEFLOWER THEM ALL!

**Current Mood: **Volatile

**_Comment: _**_Oww__… my scar hurts from looking at that strangely attractive,_  
_hooknose pariah. I have a headache.  
**- Harry**_

**Reply: **I'm sure you do, you frigid bitch.  
Classes haven't even started yet and you _already_ have a headache.   
Bloody frigid Potters.   
Your father was also a cock-tease.   
I used to chase him up to the Astronomy Tower   
only to hear him whine that _he_ had diarrhea!   
But I fucked him anyway…  
Bloody frigid Potters.   
**-Severus**

------------------****

**POST 2:** First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions Class.   
I hate teaching Double Potions!   
I should be teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts!   
Potter and his slimy friends infected my lab.   
HATE POTTER! HATE THOSE DAMN EYES!   
Decided to interrogate "Our New Celebrity" just for kicks.   
"Potter, what would you get if you added a teaspoon of Astroglide   
to an infusion of Ben-Gay?"

**Current Mood: **Taunting

**_Comment: _**_I don't know, sir.  
**- Harry**_

**Reply: **Where would you look if I told you find me a Glory Hole?   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_I don't know, sir. I think Hermione knows. _  
_Why don't you try her?  
**- Harry**_

**Reply: **Tempting.What's the difference, Potter, between Anal-Eze and Orajel?   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_I don't know, sir.  
**- Harry**_

**Reply: **Would you like to find out?   
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 3:** Potter turned me down.   
Bloody frigid Potters.   
I'm going to take him dry!   
Decided to deflower young Malfoy in the meantime.   
Offered Malfoy a midnight extra credit potions assignment.   
The little bitch arrived in a leather chastity belt!   
_WHAT THE FUCK?_

**Current Mood: **Frustrated

**_Comment: _**_I'll test drive your new extra credit potion!_   
**_- Fred_**

**_Comment: _**_I'm sure you would, you dirty whore!_   
_Don't I satisfy you?_   
**_- George_**

**Reply: **Obviously not enough.   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_Hey, I'm not the one who needs to use House Points_  
_to get some action!_   
**_- George_**

**Reply: **I don't use House Points, Mr. Weasley.   
I use detention.   
And Fred has detention with ME for a week!   
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 4:** DAMN, HE'S USED!!!!

**Current Mood: **Astonished… and oddly aroused

------------------****

**POST 5:** Can't sleep.  
Between Crabbe's screaming and Pansy's shrieking,   
the Slytherin House sounds like a bloody zoo!   
Fucked them both.   
Then gave them detention with Filch.   
Still can't sleep.   
Oh, Potter…  
Wanna meet me at the Astronomy Tower?

**Current Mood: **Horny

**_Comment: _**_STOP! I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT!_  
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply: **Ten points from Gryffindor!   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_Aren't you gonna give me detention?_   
_I've been sooooooo baaaaaaaad!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply: **Fuck! Granger's hitting on me!   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_What's the matter, Sexy Sevvy?_   
_You can't handle detention with… me?  
**- Hermione**_

**Reply: **Sorry…I have… diarrhea.   
I mean… a headache.   
Yeah… a headache.   
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 6:** Quirrell was buggered by a bloody mountain troll.   
Damn, that troll beat me too it.   
Decided to take Fluffy before the troll got to him, too.   
Oh my God, he has three heads!   
How… promising!   
Now boys, you have to share.   
DON'T USE YOUR TEETH!!!!

**Current Mood: **Mangled

**_Comment: _**_How strange… Snape is all bloody and limping._   
_I wonder why…  
**- Harry**_

**Reply: **Don't ask…  
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 7:** Quidditch Match. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.   
Sat in faculty box near Professor "I stole your job" Quirrell.   
Quirrell tried to jinx Potter's broomstick.   
That broomstick is mine!   
Uttered countercurse… must preserve his broomstick.   
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I'M ON FIRE!   
_WHAT THE FUCK?_

**Current Mood: **Burnt

**_Comment: _**_Aren't you gonna give me detention?_   
_I love it when you're all hot and bothered._   
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply: **Uh… sorry. I have to… uh…   
alphabetize my potions ingredients. Yeah…  
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 8:** Christmas.   
I hate Christmas.   
Nobody ever remembers Sexy Sevvy…  
What's this?   
I have a present?   
Somebody actually thought of _me_?   
[unwraps gift]   
SHAMPOO?!!!!!

**Current Mood: **Livid

**_Comment:_**_ Actually, it's a bottle of 1% Pyrethrin Lice Ointment.   
It's called Pediculicide._   
_Muggle__ doctors prescribe it to treat pubic lice._   
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply: **WHAT?!!!!! I DO NOT HAVE PUBIC LICE!   
THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!   
TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**[scratching herself]  
_You sexy bastard!_   
_No wonder I've been itching down there!_   
_Can I have some of that… ointment?_   
**_- Pansy_**

**Reply: **HOW DARE YOU!   
TEN POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!   
I - DO - NOT - HAVE - PUBIC - LICE!   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_Actually you do._   
_ Remember that week-long detention with Fred?_   
**_- George_**

**Reply: **FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!!   
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 9:** Used Pyrethrin.   
Got rash. Used Benadryl.   
Got hives. Took hot bath.   
Used same towel. Got lice.   
Used Pyrethrin. Got rash...   
I hate Peh-DICK-you-luh-side!

**Current Mood: **Itchy

**_Comment: _**_See, if you had given ME detention,_  
_you wouldn't have lice. _  
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment: _**_No, you'd have rabies._  
**_- Pansy_**__

**_Comment: _**[dropping her books and drawing her wand]   
_WHAT?!!!! Bring it on, BITCH!!!!_  
**_- Hermione_**__

**Reply: **And to think, they're fighting over me.   
[scratch, scratch]  
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 10:** Quidditch match. Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff.   
Volunteered to be the referee to protect Potter's… broomstick.   
Wood was quite concerned about winning this match.   
He agreed to bottom for me if I made sure Gryffindor won.  
Potter caught the snitch in five minutes.   
I blew my wad in ten.   
I should referee more often!

**Current Mood: **Sated

**_Comment: _**_But… but I thought Wood was a top!_   
**_- Fred_**

**Reply: **Not anymore!   
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**_I'm gonna KILL the sick, twisted fuck writing this crap!_   
_As if I would ever barter my arse in exchange for… **CENSORED!**_   
**_- Wood_**

**_Author's Note: Ignore him. _**  
**[Tying up Wood and hauling his mangled arse over to the infirmary for some tranquilizers]**

**_Comment: _**_Stop! Let go of me! Put me down! Owwww!_   
_Someone please flame this trashy piece of… **CENSORED!**_   
**_- Wood_**

------------------****

**POST 11: **Decided to bugger Quirrell.   
Invited him for a private rendezvous.   
Accused him of trying to get past Fluffy to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.   
He denied all of the allegations.   
Informed him that he didn't want me as his enemy.   
Unzipped his fly.   
Flipped him over.

**Current Mood: **Eager

**_Comment: _**[discovering a pair of Wood's silk panties on top of Snape's desk]   
_P-P-P-P-P-P-PANTIES?!!!!!_   
**- Quirrell**

**Reply: **Just hold still…  
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**B-b-b-but SEVERUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!!   
**- Quirrell**

**Reply: **[ten minutes later]   
We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had time to decide  
where your loyalties lie…  
**- Severus**

**_Comment: _**B-b-b-but panties?   
**- Quirrell**

**Reply: **Damn you Wood…  
**- Severus**

------------------****

**POST 12: **Potter saved the Sorcerer's Stone.   
Quirrell _actually was_ trying to get past Fluffy.   
I'm glad I buggered Quirrell's arse before it was incinerated.   
Now I just have to bugger Potter's arse.

Bloody frigid Potters.   
Went back to my flat to get some shut eye.   
Found a sixteen-year-old Granger tied up naked on my four poster bed.   
_Well, if she insists…_

------------------

**_Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**Pansy Parkinson**

**POST: **Arrived at Hogwarts.   
Saw Drakey-Poo.   
Decided to save my virginity for him.   
I knew that no one could possibly change my mind.   
[shrieks with laughter]   
Oh, hi Professor.   
PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!

**Current Mood: **Greasy

**_Comments: None_**

**Reply: **I don't believe this.   
First he pops my cherry.   
Then he gives me detention with Filch.   
Now he doesn't even post a fucking comment on my LiveJournal!   
MEN!!!!   
**- Pansy**

------------------

**Marcus Flint**

**POST: **Decided to undergo surgery for phallus augmentation.   
Damn you, Percy!

------------------

**Blaise**** Zabini**

**POST: **Has anyone seen Moon?

**Current Mood: **Searching

**_Comment: _**_No… I heard Moon transferred to Beauxbatons.  
**- Moon **_[in a really cheesy disguise]

**Reply: **MOON, IT'S REALLY YOU!   
YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!   
WAIT! COME BACK!!!   
**- Blaise**

------------------

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	6. Hermione Granger

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by**

**Hermione Granger**

**1991-92**

**POST 1:** [opening window]  
An owl just flew into my bedroom and it had a letter tied to its leg!   
What was the Royal Mail thinking?   
I mean… I know they are in the middle of a budget crisis but…  
THIS IS EXPLOITATION!!!   
THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!   
This is a violation of International Treaties for the   
Protection of Feathered Friends!!!

**Current Mood:** Outraged

**_Comment: _**_Look bitch, untie the god damn letter!  _  
_I am working overtime to feed my family_  
_and it would be nice to see my kids!_   
_Now give me a fucking owl treat!_   
**_- The Owl_**

**Reply:** The NERVE of those damn union employees!   
Well fine, I'll untie the bloody letter!   
But you're not getting any owl treats!   
Umm… what are owl treats?   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_I HATE MUGGLE-BORNS!_   
**_- The Owl_**

------------------

**POST 2:** [opening letter]

_Dear Miss Granger,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been  
accepted into __Hogwarts__School__ of Witchcraft and Wizardry.   
We realize that your admission has the following implications:   
1) Yes, this does mean that you will have to give up your lifelong  
dream of being the first girl admitted to study at __Eton__.   
2) No, you do not have a choice in the matter.   
3) Yes, this does mean that you are a witch.   
4) No, your parents do not know this yet.   
5) Yes, you will have to break the news to them.   
6) No, not while they are handling sharp dental tools… _

_Yours sincerely,   
Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress_

**Current Mood:** Stunned

**_Comment:_**_ Hermione dear,_   
_Is that your acceptance letter from __Eton__?_   
_After you graduated first in your class from Kindergarten _  
_and scored in the 99.999999999999th percentile on the _  
_Common Entrance Examinations, I just knew you'd be admitted._    
**_- Mrs. Granager_**__

**Reply:** Umm… Mum… you might wanna put the drill down.   
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 3: **Just got home from the hospital.   
Mum finally woke up from her coma.   
Dad finally recovered from his quadruple bypass.   
I'm glad my parents took the news well.   
Read _Hogwarts, A History_.   
Packed my trunk for school.   
Reread _Hogwarts, A History_.   
Took a cab to King's Cross Station.   
Read _Hogwarts, A History_ again during the cab ride.   
Barfed all over _Hogwarts, A History_.

**Current Mood:** I hate motion sickness.

**_Comment:_**_ D'you… uh… need some help back there?_   
**_- Cabdriver_**

**Reply: **_Scourgify!_   
**- Hermione **[pointing her wand at the book]

**_Comment:_**_ HOLY SHIT!!!_   
**_- Cabdriver_**

**Reply: **_Obliviate!_   
**- Hermione **[pointing her wand at the cabdriver]

**_Comment:_**_ Huh! I like toothpaste. _  
_Do you have any bell peppers?_   
**_- Cabdriver_**

**Reply: **Oh, these simple spells do work!   
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 4: **Received the following owl from the Ministry of Magic:

_Dear Miss Granger:_

_We have intelligence that two spells were cast in your cab at __10:35 AM__ on   
September 1st. One spell was in the presence of, and the other was on, a muggle.   
The fact that he was an irritating Cockney is not a good defense. These violations   
of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the   
International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy are inexcusable,   
especially since you read _Hogwarts, A History_ almost three times!_

_In order to expunge these serious offenses from your record, you will be assigned a   
very secret mission from the Ministry. I know it might sound ridiculous that   
we would assign you a secret mission as a result of your egregious actions,   
but this is an OOC slash fanfic, so deal with it. _

_Your "very secret mission" is to find Harry Potter and ensure that he does not   
have sex with ANYONE while he is a student at Hogwarts.   
If he manages to shag a person, creature or thing while at school, then, as punishment,   
you will have to bang that person, creature or thing, as well. _

_Hopefully, you will find this assignment agreeable.  Otherwise, you will be expelled. _

_Best regards,   
Minister Fudge_

**Current Mood:** Horrified

**_Comment: _**_Sucks to be you… literally._   
**_- Percy_**

**Reply:** B-b-b-b-but… can't I just do community service?   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment:_**_ You are doing the community a service!_   
**_- Minister Fudge_**

------------------

**POST 5:** Arrived at Platform 9 3/4.   
Boarded the Hogwarts Express.   
Rumor had it that Harry Potter was already on the train.   
Slid open Harry's compartment door.   
Made up some silly excuse about looking for Neville's lost toad.   
Met Harry Potter.   
THOSE EYES!   
Harry was seated next to this dirty, redheaded quiff   
who was trying to turn his pet rat into a gerbil.   
Ewwwwww…  
I think the redhead fancies Harry.   
THERE'S NO WAY I'M FUCKING THE REDHEAD!

**Current Mood: **Adamant

**_Comment: _**[barging into the compartment   
carrying a monogrammed leather paddle]   
_Merlin's beard, it's Harry Potter! _  
_This is the love of my life!_   
_My one true whipping boy!_   
_HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!!!_   
**_- Draco _**

**Reply:** Stop!!! Stop!!! Stop this at once!   
There's no way I am fucking _YOU_ either!   
Put that paddle down!!!   
I… I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT… OWW!!!   
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 6: **Harry, Ron and I were sorted into Gryffindor.   
George suggested that we hold a special initiation ceremony for Harry!   
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.   
56 Gryffindors signed up.   
WHAT?!!! THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!   
I WILL NOT FUCK 56 GRYFFINDORS!!!  
I didn't even know that there were 56 Gryffindors!   
I'll curse you all if you even DARE to ATTEMPT!!!!

**Current Mood: **Fuming

  
**_Comment: _**_Calm down, sweetheart. _  
_You won't have to shag all 56 people on the same day!_   
_Think of it as a form of office hours for physical education!_   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** That's it! I'm jinxing the list!!!   
I'm jinxing the bloody list!!!   
AND I KNOW THE PERFECT IMPOTENCY SPELL!!!   
**_- Hermione_**

**_Comment:_**_ IMPOTENCY?!!!!!! _  
_YOU WOULDN'T DARE THREATEN OUR MANHOOD!!!!!!_   
**_- Fred and George_**

**_Comment: _**_YEAH… YOU WOULDN'T DARE… or would you?_   
_Umm… guys… I think that bird is crazy…_  
_Why don't we just forget the gangbang and have a threesome in the _  
_Boy's Locker Room. I only have an hour until my "appointment" with Minerva. _  
**_- Wood_**

------------------

**POST 7: **First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions class.   
OH MY GOD, THE POTIONS MASTER IS SEXY!!!  
I suddenly feel a greasy, tingling sensation around my unbuttered biscuit…  
I WANT TO MOUNT HIS SALLOW, SCRAWNY BODY!!!  
_But that's not all I want…_  
I know that Snape is the Grand Master of a 500 year old Secret Society that is   
so powerful that it could change the name of wizardry forever!   
I will infiltrate the organization and learn its secrets!

**Current Mood: **Calculating

**_Comment: _**_Umm Hermione… I didn't know you were so interested in… _  
_the Death Eaters._   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** I'm _not_ talking about the Death Eaters, Harry.   
This society is much more excusive…  
**- Hermione **

**_Comment: _**_You mean there's another scary, secret society at Hogwarts?_   
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** Don't you boys read?   
Snape is the Grand Master of the Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.   
**- Hermione **

**_Comment: _**_THE WHAT?!!!_   
**_- Harry and Ron_**

**Reply:** The Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_But we never heard of it!_   
**_- Harry and Ron_**

**Reply:** Of course you haven't heard of it; it's _very secret_!   
Even most of the Slytherins don't realize that the have been selected for membership   
until they are bound, gagged and secretly initiated by the Grand Master himself!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Bloody Hell!  Why would anyone want to join a secret society like that?_   
_I'm so glad I'm not in Slytherin!_  
**_- Ron_**

**_Comment: _**_Is it too late to switch Houses?_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** I already checked…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Bugger!_  
**_- Harry_**

------------------

**POST 8:  **This has been an incredibly stressful week.   
Dumbledore, Wood, Malfoy, Ron, and Snape all tried to ATTEMPT!   
How the fuck am I supposed to study for classes under these conditions?   
I've been so busy protecting my unbuttered biscuit that I didn't even   
have time to reread _Hogwarts, A History_!   
I NEED TO PUT HARRY ON A LEASH!

**Current Mood: **Exhausted

**_Comment: _**_I'll help you restrain Potter…_  
**_- Professor Snape_**

**_Comment: _**_You can restrain him__after his one-on-one quidditch training._  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment_**_: You can train him after we play Pop Goes the Weasel._  
**_- Ron_**

**_Comment: _**_You can play with him__ afterwe go on our secret date._   
**_- Draco_**

**_Comment: _**_You can date him after he comes to my office hours._   
**_- Albus_**

**Reply:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!   
**- Hermione **

**_Comment_**_: What's her problem?_   
**_- Albus_**

**_Comment_**_: Mental, that one._   
**_- Ron_**

**_Comment: _**_It's probably that time of the month._   
**_- Professor Snape_**

**_Comment: _**_It's ALWAYS that time of the month._   
**_- Draco_**

**_Comment: _**_I think she needs a Prozac Cocktail._   
**_- Wood_****__**

**Reply:** WHY WOULD I NEED PROZAC?!!!!!    
DO I SEEM UNBALANCED?!!!!!   
**- Hermione **

------------------

**POST 9: **Woke up in the infirmary.   
Left for Flitwick's Charms class.   
Flitwick had erectile dysfunction.   
Cast _Wingardium Erectosa_…  
The spell was overly effective.   
Harry and Ron also got boners…  
Watched Harry and Ron sneak off to the Gryffindor's Boy's Shower.   
Kicked open the shower door.   
Caught the duo about to play Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.   
THERE'S NO WAY I AM FUCKING RON!

**Current Mood: **Determined

**_Comment: _**_Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?    
We're naked!This is the boy's shower!   
**- Ron**_

**Reply:** Oh for heaven's sake!!!   
Stop! Stop this at once!!!   
Harry, take that thing outta there!!!   
Oh good, Ron's arse was only semi-shagged.   
Hopefully, that doesn't count…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment_**_: It counts…_  
**_- Minister Fudge_**

**Reply:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  NOT RON!!!!!!!   
WHY COULDN'T HARRY JUST PLAY SOLITAIRE?!!!!!!   
**- Hermione** [getting teary-eyed and storming off to the girl's bathroom]

------------------

**POST 10: **[crying in the girl's bathroom]   
Oh, boo hoo…  
I can't believe I have to semi-shag Ron!   
I hate this very secret mission!   
What's next – is Harry gonna try to bugger a troll?   
OH MY GOD, THERE'S A MOUNTAIN TROLL IN HERE!!!!!   
HARRY – YOU DIDN'T!!!!!   
HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!   
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I JUST GO TO ETON?!!!!!!

**Current Mood: **Insane

**_Comment: _**_Umm… Eton's an all boys school…_  
**_- Harry_**__

**Reply:** That's beside the point!   
Tell me you didn't shag the troll, Harry!   
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!   
**- Hermione       **

**_Comment: _**_I didn't… _  
**_- Harry_**__

**Reply:** OH THANK GOD!!!!   
Now I'm just gonna hide under a very visible sink and…  
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!   
The troll is coming to bugger me!!!!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_HERMIONE, WATCH OUT!!!_   
**_- Harry _**[leaping on top of the troll and shoving his wand up the troll's arse]

**_Comment: _**_Ooh, I like playing rough!!!_   
[Grabbing Harry, flipping him, and positioning him spread eagle over a toilet]   
**_- The Troll_**__

**Reply:** OH NO, THE TROLL'S ABOUT TO TAKE HARRY DRY!!!!!   
DO SOMETHING RON!!!!!   
**- Hermione **

**_Comment: _**_What?_   
**_- Ron_******

**_Comment: _**_ANYTHING!_  
**_- Harry _**

**Reply:** Swish and flick!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_WINGARDIUM ERECTOSA!_  
**_- Ron_**[demonstrating proper wand technique]****

**_Comment: _**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!_   
_THAT - WAS - THE - WRONG - SPELL!!!!!!!!_   
_OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!_   
_I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** [faints]   
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 11: **My life really sucks!   
I just forked over my anal cherry to a mountain troll,   
and now I have to let Ron stick the head in…  
But there might be another way to salvage my unbuttered biscuit!   
Oh Ron…

**Current Mood: **Manipulative

**_Comment: _**_Yes… _  
**_- Ron_**_ ****_

**Reply:** Would you mind quickly following me to a secluded place   
where no one can hear you scream…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Sure, what're friends for… _  
**_- Ron_******

**Reply:** Now close your eyes…  
**- Hermione **[pulling out a strap-on dildo]

**_Comment: _**_Hey, what're you doing with that?_   
_Why am I stark naked on all fours in the middle of the Forbidden Forest?_   
_Hey, that tickles… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!!!!!!_   
**_- Ron_******

**Reply:** Well, now that's taken care of…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_OOOH, BABY!  DO THAT AGAIN!_   
_HARDER!  HARDER!_   
**_- Ron_******

**Reply:** OBLIVIATE!!!   
**- Hermione **[pointing her wand at Ron]

**_Comment: _**_Huh? Who are you? Am I a tomato?_   
**_- Ron_**_ ****_

**Reply:** Much better…  
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 12: **My parents want me to come home for Christmas.   
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?   
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HARRY AND RON ALONE TOGETHER!   
Fortunately, I convinced the boys to spend their whole winter break  
looking for information on Nicolas Flamel in the Restricted Section.   
They'll never find information on Flamel there…  
OH MY GOD, DID I JUST SEND HARRY TO THE RESTRICTED SECTION?!!!!

**Current Mood: **Horrified

**_Comment: _**_Yes, you did…_  
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** Thanks for rubbing it in…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_My pleasure.  I told you I'd spam your LiveJournal._   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** Well, this isn't exactly spam; we're having a conversation.   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Look_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_BITCH_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Does_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_This_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Constitute_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Spam_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_To_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_You_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Now_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_??????_   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** Well, that isn't exactly spam either.    
It just looks like your "Enter" key got stuck.    
Spam generally has a disturbing sexual undertone.   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Look_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_BITCH_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_I_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Am_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Going_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_To_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Steal_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Your_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_PANTIES_  
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_!!!!!!_   
**_- Wood_**

**_Comment: _**_Is that better?_   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** Umm… security!  
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 13: **Harry, Ron and I got embroiled in a quest to find the Sorcerer's Stone.   
After fifteen pointless visits to Hagrid's hut, he finally revealed that he accidentally   
leaked secret information about Fluffy in exchange for a Norwegian Ridgeback.    
So instead of immediately contacting Dumbledore about Hagrid's egregious   
security breach, we decided to take Norbert up to the tallest tower at midnight   
to hand him off to Charlie's friends.

**Current Mood: **Nervous

**_Comment: _**_Put me down, goddammit!!!!_   
_I'm not going to some Funny Farm in Romania!_   
**_- Norbert_**

**_Comment: _**_Norbert, yeh know yer Mommy's goin' ta write to yeh!_   
**_- Hagrid_**

**_Comment: _**_Will you stop calling yourself Mommy!  That's sick!_   
_You're a bloke for Christ's sake!_   
**_- Norbert_**

**Reply:** This is ridiculous.  I'm breaking out my ball-gag.   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_YOUR BALL-GAG?!!!!! _  
_ HOW DARE YOU!!!  I SHOULD SET YOU ON FIRE!!!_   
_HEY!  PUT THAT AWAY!!!!  MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!_   
**_- Norbert_**

**_Comment: _**[catching Hermione, Harry and Neville with a ball-gagged Norbert]   
_Oh dear! Oh dear!  Explain yourselves, all of you!_   
_What are three Gryffindors doing carrying a ball-gagged baby dragon _  
_to the tallest tower at midnight on Saturday without an invisibility cloak?  _  
_You will be punished for this!!!_   
**_- Professor McGonagall_**

**_Comment: _**_But Professor, there has to be another way…_  
**_- Harry_** [putting his arm around Minerva seductively]

**_Comment: _**_Well I suppose…_  
**_- Professor McGonagall_**

**Reply:** NOOOOOO!!!!!  I AM NOT FUCKING PROFESSOR McGONAGALL!!!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Be that as it may…_ _I am very disappointed in all of you!_   
_150 Points will be taken from Gryffindor and you will all have detention!_   
**_- Professor McGonagall_**

**Reply:** With Professor Snape?!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_WITH HAGRID!_   
**_- Professor McGonagall_**

**Reply:** NOOOOOO!!!!! I AM NOT FUCKING HAGRID!!!   
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_I think she needs another Prozac Cocktail…_  
**_- Wood_**

------------------

**POST 14: **Woke up in the infirmary.   
Funny, my panties are missing.   
I wonder why.

**Current Mood: **Confused

**_Comment: _**_Just take two more blue pills and go back to sleep._   
_Heh heh heh…_  
**_- Wood_**

------------------

**POST 15: **Got released from the infirmary.   
Served detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest.   
Fortunately, Hagrid was more interested in shagging Firenze than Harry,   
so I was able to save my unbuttered biscuit for Professor Snape.    
On the subject of Snape, tonight Harry was certain that Sexy Sevvy   
was going to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.  I knew that it was really   
Professor "I stole Snape's job" Quirrell, but I just played along.    
As we were about to leave the Gryffindor Common Room,   
we were suddenly stopped by Neville.

**Current Mood: **Busted

**_Comment: _**_You can't go out.  You'll be caught again._   
_Gryffindor will be in even more trouble. _  
_I'll… I'll fight you!!!!_   
**_- Neville _**

**Reply:** Erm… Neville, don't you just want to smoke some of that   
very interesting weed… right now?   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_You're trying to drug me so that you can sneak out._   
_I won't allow it.  Besides, I ran out of my personal stash last week._   
**_- Neville _**

**_Comment: _**_What're we gonna do?_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** I have a plan.  Umm Neville, d'you… erm… find Harry…   
you know… attractive?   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_What?_   
**_- Neville, Harry, and Ron_**

**Reply:** Neville, would you like to bury your pregreased dong in  
Harry's anal love cavity?  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_WHAT?!!!!_   
**_- Neville, Harry, and Ron_**

**Reply:** NEVILLE, D'YOU WANT TO FUCK HARRY?  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!_   
**_- Harry and Ron_**

**_Comment: _**_Harry, I didn't know you were offering…   
We could go back to my bunk right now and…_  
**_- Neville _**[Putting his arm around Harry]****

**Reply:** _PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!_   
Sorry, Neville, you ATTEMPTED.   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_But you set me up!  I'm gonna tell the Headmaster…_  
**_- Neville _**[petrified]

**Reply:** _OBLIVIATE!!!_   
**- Hermione **[pointing her wand at Neville]

**_Comment: _**_Huh? Can I borrow some spaghetti?I like pencils._   
**_- Neville_**

**Reply:** Let's go, boys…  
**- Hermione**

------------------

**POST 16: **Led Harry and Ron to the third floor.   
Harry used Hagrid's flute to get past Fluffy.   
Harry jumped down the secret trap door before Fluffy could ATTEMPT!   
Ron and I quickly followed Harry down, down, down and…   
WE LANDED ON A GREEN PLANT THAT'S INTO BONDAGE!

**Current Mood: **Oh Fuck!

**_Comment: _**_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  _  
_I DON'T LIKE BEING TIED UP!!!_  
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** This is Devil's Snare.  You have to stop moving!   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  _  
_HOW CAN I STOP MOVING WHEN ITS TENDRILS _  
_ARE MASSAGING MY PROSTATE!!! _  
**_- Ron_**

**_Comment: _**_Hermione, we have to save him!_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** Do we?  He made us fuck a Mountain Troll…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Hermione!_   
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** Fine.  Uh… Mr. Devil's Snare.   
Ron is wearing Fred's used briefs…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Oh fuck!  That's NASTY!_   
**_- The Devil's Snare _**[dropping Ron]

------------------

**POST 17: **Harry saved the Sorcerer's Stone,   
and suddenly all of the underage students at Hogwarts turned sixteen.   
This is a fabulous opportunity.  Now that I'm of age,   
I broke into the dungeon and, due to an inexplicable plot hole,   
managed to get past Snape's wards and tie myself up naked   
to Snape's four poster bed without being seen or setting off any alarms. 

**Current Mood: **Waiting

**_Comment: _**[finding Hermione naked on his bed]   
_Well, if you insist…_  
**_- Severus _**

**Reply:** I definitely insist…  
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_STOP! STAY AWAY FROM HER UNBUTTERED BISCUIT!!!!!  _  
**_- Harry_**

**Reply:** Harry, what the fuck are you doing here?    
How did you get past Sexy Sevvy's wards without triggering the alarm!   
I thought you were still comatose?   
**- Hermione**

**_Comment: _**_Hey, you're not gonna spend all year ruining my sex life, _  
_and then shag Snape when you want to get some action!_   
_What goes around, comes around, sweetheart!_   
_And as for being comatose and sneaking past the wards unnoticed,_   
_those are called plot holes.  You can file your complaint with the author._   
**_- Harry_**

**_Comment: _**_But, Mr. Potter… are you sure you wouldn't want to… join us?_   
**_- Severus _**

------------------------------------------------------

**_Looking for more? Here is an excerpt from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!_**

**SIR NICOLAS DE MIMSY-PORPINGTON**

**POST:** Greetings and welcome to Gryffindor!   
My name is Sir Nicolas de Mimsy-Porpington.   
I and the Resident Ghost of Gryffindor Tower.

**Current Mood: **Eloquent

**_Comment: _**_I know who you are!  You're Nearly Dickless Nick!_   
_My brothers have told me all about you!_   
**_- Ron _**__

**Reply:** I'm sure they have!    
**- Nearly Dickless Nick**

**_Comment: _**_Nearly dickless.  How could you be nearly dickless?_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** LIKE THIS!   
**- Nearly Dickless Nick **[exposing his mangled family jewels]

**_Comment: _**_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!_   
**_- Seamus, Dean, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavendar, Parvati, Katie, _**  
**_Angelina, Lee, Alicia, Fred, George, Percy, Wood, Andrew, Albus, Minerva _**

------------------

**Author's Note:  **Thank you for all of those fabulous reviews of Chapters 1-5.  I hope you enjoyed reading Hermione's LiveJournal as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	7. Harry Potter

**My Very Secret LiveJournal**

**by**

**Harry Potter**

**October 31, 1981**

**POST:** Yay, I'm fifteen months old and it's Halloween!  
Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Voldie decided to play dress up.   
Daddy dressed as a corpse.   
Mommy dressed as a corpse.   
Uncle Voldie dressed as a mean wizard who wouldn't give me any candy.   
Wait a minute – I don't have an Uncle Voldie…

**Current Mood:** Confused

**_Comment:_**_ Shut up kid and look at the shiny green light._   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** Ooh, is this a game? I like games… Tee hee…  
I'll just watch that jet of green light explode from your big wand and…   
OWWWWWWWWWW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!   
That hurt… you sick fuck!   
**- Baby Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ I'm melting… MEEEEEEEELTING!!!!_   
_Damn you, Potter! I'll be back!!!_   
_It may take me ten years, but I'll be back! _  
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** Yay, the creepy old guy melted!   
Mommy, Daddy, you can get up now…  
Mommy? Daddy?   
**- Baby Harry**

------------------

**POST:** A strangely attractive mountain man broke into our home.   
He said he was my Uncle Hagrid.   
Oh, no buster… I've heard _that_ one before.   
Hey! Put me down, you twisted baby-snatcher! Help!   
SOMEBODY SOUND THE AMBER ALERT!

**Current Mood:** Screaming

**_Comment:_** [several hours later, in Surrey]   
_Hagrid. At last… No problems, were there?_   
**_- Albus_**__

**_Comment:_**_ No, sir. I got 'im out all right. _  
_He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol._   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** What? I didn't fall asleep!   
You were smothering me with your coat!   
**- Baby Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Take him out of your coat, Hagrid._   
_I'm sure he could use some oxygen. _  
**_- Albus_** [unwrapping Baby Harry]

**_Comment:_**_ THOSE EYES!!!_   
**_- Albus, Minerva, Hagrid_**

**Reply:** Oh my god, you people are sick!   
I'M FIFTEEN MONTHS OLD!!!!   
**- Baby Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ He's right, you know._   
_Just set him down on the porch over there._   
**_- Minerva_**

**Reply:** Yeah, just set me down…  
Wait a minute? What the fuck d'you think you're doing?   
Who do I look like – Moses?!   
**- Baby Harry**

------------------------------------------

**1991-1992**

**POST 1:** Wow! It's been almost ten years since I last posted in my LiveJournal.   
Remarkably, I've forgotten everything that happened, and my Aunt and Uncle   
have convinced me that my good-for-nothing parents died in a car accident.   
Oh yeah, and I live in a cupboard under the stairs and my life really sucks.   
But on the bright side, this morning I discovered I have a penis.   
I guess things are looking up!

**Current Mood:** Upbeat

**_Comment:_**_ What are you doing in that cupboard, boy?_   
**_- Uncle Vernon_**

**Reply:** [moan] Oh nothing…   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 2:** Went to zoo for Dudders' eleventh birthday.   
Visited the reptile house.   
Liberated snake.   
Did not find snake strangely attractive…   
Really… I didn't…

**Current Mood:** Lying

**_Comments:_**_ None_ [Harry doesn't have any friends, remember…]

**Reply:** How did I get my own Very Secret LiveJournal, anyway?   
I don't own a computer…  
And the LiveJournal technology hasn't even been developed yet…   
_Must be magic…_  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC! _  
**_- Uncle Vernon_**

**Reply:** Oh, yeah… I forgot…  
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 3:** Went to get the mail.   
I got a letter… A letter? For me?   
But I have no friends or relatives…  
And look, the writer knows I live in a cupboard!   
[gasp] It must be the Bureau for Child Welfare!   
They've finally read my handwritten plea!

**Current Mood:** Elated

**_Comment:_**_ Gimme that letter, boy!_   
**_- Uncle Vernon_**

**Reply:** NO! IT'S MINE!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment: _**[ripping letter out of Harry's hand and reading it]   
_Oh crap!_   
**_- Uncle Vernon_**

------------------

**POST 4:** Received more letters from the Bureau.   
Mean Uncle Vernon took them all away…  
He's covering his tracks by moving me to Dudley's Second Bedroom.   
But I'm already preparing for my testimony against him.   
That bastard's gonna rot in jail for this!   
Why are there owls defecating on my windowsill?

**Current Mood:** Inquisitive

**_Comment:_**_ Look kid, we flooded your chimney with letters,_   
_and you couldn't even catch ONE!_   
_Haven't you ever taken a fucking physical education course?_   
**_- Disgruntled Owl_**

**Reply:** I think the nice owl likes me…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment: _**[starts beating head against glass]   
**_- Disgruntled Owl_**

------------------

**POST 5:** Uncle Vernon decided that we needed to flee from the law.   
The Bureau must be hot on our trail.   
First we went to a hotel, but the Bureau tracked us there.   
Now we're in a miserable little shack on a large rock out in the sea.   
This is gonna be great for my testimony.   
I can tell them all about my escape attempts.   
Hmm… d'you think Aunt Petunia will notice if I start playing with my penis?   
I need to give myself a birthday present!

**Current Mood:** solid

**_Comment:_** [knocking the door down]   
_Sorry 'bout that…_  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** Oh my god, it's the Bureau! You found me!   
[pointing at Uncle Vernon]   
Take him away!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Umm… I'm not wit' the Bureau, Harry._   
_I've come ter take yeh to Hogwarts._   
**_- Hagrid_** [handing Harry his letter]

**Reply:** What? You interrupted my masturbation for this?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ But I brough' yeh a birthday cake…_  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** A cake? For me? Is it a large sticky chocolate cake   
with creamy vanilla frosting?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ It's all chocolate… now._   
_I… er… sat on it on the way here. _  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** Er... thanks... I guess...   
Hey Dudley, you want some cake?   
It's chocolate!   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 6:** Hagrid told me that my parents were famous wizards,   
that they were blown up by some crackpot named You-Know-Who,   
and that it's my destiny to defeat him after I learn some  
magic tricks at a snooty prep school in Scotland.   
What the fuck?

**Current Mood:** Confused

**_Comment:_**_ Yer a wizard, Harry._   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** I… can't be a wizard.   
I'm just… Harry.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Not a wizard, eh?_   
_Tell me, have y'ever made sumthin' happen that yeh couldn't explain_  
_when yeh were excited or provoked? _  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** [glancing down at his crotch]   
I guess I am a wizard!   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 7:** Hagrid took me to London to buy my supplies for Hogwarts.   
Our first stop was The Leaky Cauldron… and everybody knew my name.   
I'M A FUCKING CELEBRITY!!!!!! GO ME!!!!!!   
Hagrid dragged me out of the pub before I could shag the strangely attractive barman…  
or Professor Quirrell… or the mean looking old woman with the pink hat.   
Hagrid led me out back to a brick wall.   
He tapped the wall three times in its "Secret Spot."   
The wall quivered and wriggled and then, in the middle, a small hole appeared.   
Hagrid stroked the hole; it opened wider and wider and wider…  
Suddenly, the hole gave one giant heave and we were sucked in.

**Current Mood:** Moist

**_Comment:_**_ Welcome to Diagon Alley!_   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** Ooh… I didn't expect my first time to feel like this!   
Look at all those cauldrons and robes and herbs and animals.   
My heart is… fluttering rapidly. I feel… lightheaded.   
I need to [moan] grab onto _that_ broomstick.   
Yes… oh yes… I want [moan] that long hard broomstick, Hagrid! PLEASE!   
YES! YES! YES! I NEED [moan] TO FLY! OHH…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ We need to get yer money, Harry._   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** YES! YES! MONEY! [moan] MY MONEY! OHH!   
[suddenly sober]   
Wait a minute… I don't have any money.   
My good-for-nothing parents abandoned me penniless.   
Everyone always leaves me.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [leading Harry into Gringott's Wizarding Bank]   
_There's yer money, Harry._   
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** [grabbing a strangely attractive goblin]   
Really, what can I buy with this one?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Put me down, you fuckwit!_   
**_- The Goblin_**

**Reply:** [dropping the goblin]   
Oops… sorry.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Mr. Harry Potter would like ter make a withdrawal. _  
**_- Hagrid_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Does Mr. Harry Fuckwit have his key?_   
**_- The Goblin_** [leading them to a cart to enter the vaults]

**Reply:** [climbing into the cart]   
Umm… I'm afraid of roller coasters!   
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [arriving at Harry's vault]   
_Mr. Harry Fuckwit's key please._   
**_- The Goblin_**__

**_Comment:_** [handing the goblin Harry's key]   
_See, I told ya yer parents' didn't leave ya with nothin'. _  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** [looking inside his newly opened vault]   
I'M RICH! I'M A RICH CELEBRITY!   
[diving into the money and swimming around in it]   
CAN WE MAKE A PIT STOP AT THE BROOM SHOP?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Er… that's not on yer list. _  
_And first years aren't allowed brooms, Harry. _  
**_- Hagrid_**

**Reply:** Bugger!   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 8:** Hagrid took me to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions.   
Met this strangely attractive blonde with a leather fetish.   
The blonde wanted to tie me up with his kinky leather goodies.   
TIE ME UP! OH YES! TIGHTER! BEAT ME!   
Oh, hi, Hagrid, we're just… um… trying on belts. Tee hee…

**Current Mood:** Bound

**_Comment:_** [dragging Harry out of the store]   
_Harry, you're gonna buy yer new wand at Ollivander's… NOW!_   
_I just need ta shop for yer new owl…_  
**_- Hagrid_** [secretly, Hagrid also planned to go see the Minister   
about assigning a fellow student to supervise Harry   
to make sure he doesn't shag everyone at Hogwarts.]

**Reply:** [grumble, grumble]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [watching Harry enter the shop]   
_Ah yes, I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Mr. Potter._   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** Umm… how d'you know my name?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ You have your mother's eyes._   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** Umm… how d'you know my mother?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh, well… _[cough] _she and I used to be_ [cough] _close…_  
[several moments of uncomfortable silence]   
_Try this wand, Mr. Potter. _  
_Beachwood and Dragon's Heartstring._   
_Nice inches._   
_Nice and supple._   
_Just like your Mum._   
_Now give it a wave!_   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** [waving the wand]   
Ooh, this is fun!   
[BOOM]   
Let me blow up that shelf again.   
[POW]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ STOP! STOP! Try this one. _  
_Maple and phoenix feather._   
_Quite whippy._   
_Seven inches._   
_Just like your Dad._   
_Um… I mean… just try it!_   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** [waving the new wand]   
Ooh, another wand!   
[KABOOM]   
I'm gonna be a great wizard!   
[WHAM]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ STOP! PLEASE! YOU'RE TRASHING MY SHOP!_   
**_- Ollivander_** [snatching the wand away from Harry]

**Reply:** But I like playing with my wand!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [searching for another wand]   
_I wonder… now… yes… try this one._   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** [waves special wand]   
Ooh, it's glowing!   
**- Harry** [insert cheesy Twilight Zone music]

**_Comment:_**_ Curious… How very curious… I wonder…. Hmm…_  
_Let me think… Interesting… How remarkable… _  
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** Will you get to the fucking point?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ I remember every wand I ever sold, Mr. Potter._   
_It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand…_  
_gave another… just one other. _  
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** That sounds like one frigid phoenix.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [ignoring Harry]   
_It is curious that you should be destined for this wand_  
_when its brother… gave you that scar!_   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** Spooky…   
**- Harry** [insert more cheesy Twilight Zone music]

**_Comment:_** [still ignoring Harry]   
_The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter…_  
_I'm not sure exactly why._   
_But I know that we can expect great things from you._   
_Because He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shagged did great things!_   
_Terrible… but great!_   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shagged?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ He's a top._   
**_- Ollivander_**

**Reply:** Oh…  
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 9:** Went to King's Cross Station.   
Hagrid gave me a ticket for the Hogwarts Express and then left me.   
Everyone always leaves me.   
The ticket says the train leaves at 11:00 AM from platform nine and three-quarters.   
How is that possible?   
I only see platforms nine and ten.

**Current Mood:** Lost

**_Comment:_**_ Are you looking for platform nine and three-quarters?_   
**_- Percy_**

**Reply:** Why yes… I am!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ What would you do for me if I showed you how to get onto the platform?_   
**_- Percy_**

**Reply:** I would do _anything_ you want.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Anything?_   
**_- Percy_** [unzipping his fly]

**Reply:** Ooh, you have a penis, too.   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 10:** Finished servicing the strangely attractive redheaded Prefect.   
Prefect showed me how to get onto the platform and left.   
Why does everyone always leave me?   
Boarded the Hogwarts Express.   
Another strangely attractive redhead named Ron sat down next to me.   
He wanted to turn his rat into a gerbil.   
I think I like this kinky redhead!   
Got interrupted by this Hermione chick who was raving  
about some secret mission and about how I caused her to have to   
give head to some bloke name Percy.   
She said that that was my last physical encounter,   
and threatened to curse anyone else who ATTEMPTED!   
Crazy psycho bitch!

**Current Mood:** Irritated

**_Comment:_**_ But Harry, it's for your own good, you know._   
**_- Hermione_** [gargling with mouthwash]

**Reply:** Can I have some…?  
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 11:** Arrived at Hogsmeade train station.   
Took the boat with Ron, Hermione and Neville to Hogwarts.   
Prepared for the sorting ceremony.   
Professor McGonagall informed us that there are four noble Houses at Hogwarts:   
Gryffindor, Slytherin, and two other irrelevant ones   
that will barely be mentioned throughout the first five books.   
Put the Sorting Hat on my head…

**Current Mood:** Nervous

**_Comment:_**_ Difficult. Very difficult._   
_Plenty of courage, I see._   
_Not a bad mind either._   
_Likes to swallow._   
_There's talent, oh my goodness yes!_   
_And a thirst… to prove yourself._   
_But where shall I put you?_   
**_- Sorting Hat_**

**Reply:** Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Not Slytherin, eh?_   
**_- Sorting Hat_**

**Reply:** There's only one shaggable bloke in Slytherin,   
and Gryffindor is a redheaded buffet!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Are you sure? You could be great you know._   
_And Slytherin could lead you on the road to greatness. _  
_It's all here… in your head._   
**_- Sorting Hat_**

**Reply:** But Percy said its all here… in my throat.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ I give up… GRYFFINDOR!_   
**_- Sorting Hat_**

------------------

**POST 12:** First flying lesson.   
Mounted my broomstick.   
Gripped it tight.   
Kicked off from the ground.   
God, this feels fantastic!   
I love flying!

**Current Mood:** Orgasmic

**_Comment:_**_ Um Potter, when I said you have to mount your broomstick,_   
_I didn't mean it literally. _  
**_- Madam Hooch_**

------------------

**POST 13:** Professor McGonagall made me the new Gryffindor Seeker.   
Oliver Wood was very excited that I joined the team.   
He even offered to teach me new moves on my Nimbus 2000.

**Current Mood:** Excited

**_Comment:_**_ Potter, I'm just gonna teach you the rules this evening,_   
_and then you'll be joining the team practice three times a week._   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** [nodding and slowly sliding his hand over his own thigh]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [pretending to ignore Harry's gesture]   
_There are three Chasers, two Beaters, a Keeper and a Seeker._   
_That's you..._   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** [nodding and slowly caressing his family jewels]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [sweating]   
The Beaters are um… yeah Potter… you'd make an excellent Beater.   
**- Wood**

**Reply:** I have a penis…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Uh… I can see that. _  
[sweating profusely]   
_Now you, Potter… you only have to be concerned with this -_  
_the Golden Snitch. It's the Keeper's job to catch your Snitch…_  
_I mean the Seeker… I mean… Aww fuck it! _  
**_- Wood_** [leaping on top of Harry] __

**_Comment:_**_ Stop! I'll curse you if you even ATTEMPT!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_** [manhandling Harry]   
_I'll take my chances…_  
**_- Wood_**__

**_Comment:_**_ STUPEFY!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ DAMN!_   
**_- Wood_**

------------------

**POST 14:** Malfoy was angry that I was made the new Gryffindor Seeker.   
The kinky blonde challenged me to a duel.

**Current Mood:** Annoyed

**_Comment:_**_ I'd take you on anytime on my own._   
_Tonight, if you want._   
_Wizard's Duel. Wands only – no contact._   
**_- Malfoy_**

**Reply:** NO CONTACT?!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Potter, this is just a pretext for out first date._   
_You're sitting next to the Filthy Mudblood._   
_We wouldn't want her to curse me when I ATTEMPT, now would we?_   
**_- Malfoy_**

**Reply:** Ooh! Got it… Wizard's Duel. Wands only – no contact.   
**- Harry** [wink, wink]

**_Comment:_**_ Ho hum… I'm just minding my own business._   
_Harry, what time is your date, I mean… duel?_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** Midnight.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Good to know…_  
**_- Hermione_**

------------------

**POST 15:** Malfoy didn't show up for our first date.   
Why does everyone always abandon me?   
He claimed to have been tied to his bed by Hermione…  
but Hermione was with me at the time.   
She wouldn't be so calculating as to tie Malfoy up _before_ our date…  
would she?

**Current Mood:** Sad

**_Comment:_**_ WILL SOMEONE FUCKING UNTIE ME?! _  
**_- Malfoy_**

**Reply:** You blokes are all the same…   
And to think I even bought some Vaseline for our date.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ What's Vaseline?_   
**_- Crabbe_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Remember when Fred made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Not really…_  
**_- Crabbe_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Hmm… remember when Snape made you scream real loud?_   
**_- Goyle_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Oh yeah… so THAT'S Vaseline… Thanks._   
**_- Crabbe_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Don't mention it._   
**_- Goyle_**__

**_Comment:_**_ WILL YOU SHUT UP AND UNTIE ME?! _  
**_- Malfoy_**

------------------

**POST 16:** A lot of time has passed since I last updated.   
Hermione managed to frustrate almost all ATTEMPTS.   
There was one exception…  
After Hermione caught me in the boy's shower about to shag Ron,   
she ran off and we had to rescue her from the horny troll in the Girl's Bathroom.   
Well, thanks to Ron and his "brilliant" use of the "Wingarduim Erectosa" spell,   
I found out that the troll had a penis, too. It was huge!   
Hopefully I'll still be able to fly in today's Quidditch match against Slytherin.

**Current Mood:** Concerned

**_Comment:_**_ Okay men, women and sexy eleven-year-olds…_  
_This is the one we've all been waiting for._   
**_- Wood_**__

**_Comment:_**_ The big one…_  
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Shut it, Fred. This is the best team Gryffindor's had for years._   
_We're gonna win this game. I know it… You scared, Potter?_   
**_- Wood_**

**Reply:** I'm sore!   
**- Harry** __

**_Comment:_**_ I was a little sore after my first game._   
_Took a bludger up the arse…_  
_Woke up in the infirmary a week later _  
_with abdominal cramps and wicked smile…_  
**_- Wood_** [flying onto the field]

**Reply:** [Gulp]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Now I want a nice clean game… from all of you._   
**_- Madam Hooch_**__

**_Comment:_**_ And they're off… Slytherin in possession. _  
_Chaser Pucey ducks two bludgers, two Weasleys,_   
_and an incredibly endowed Chaser Bell, and speeds towards the…_  
_Wait… Potter has lost control of his broomstick! _  
**_- Lee Jordan_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Oh no! Somebody jinxed Harry's broomstick!_   
_I'll think I'll set Snape on fire!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Will you stop bucking and sit still?_   
_How are you supposed to catch the Snitch when you're constantly shifting?_   
**_- The Nimbus 2000_**

**Reply:** BUT I'M SORE!!!!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Well, you could try standing..._   
**_- The Nimbus 2000_**

**Reply:** That's a brilliant idea!   
And there's the Golden Snitch.   
It's flying right at me! It's… [gulp]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ HE SWALLOWS?_   
**_- Everyone in the Entire Stadium_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Don't remind me…_  
**_- Hermione_** [still bitter]

------------------

**POST 17:** Christmas morning.   
Woke up and found that I had presents.   
Uncle Vernon sent me a note with a fifty pence piece.   
Cheap bastard. I still intend to press charges again him whenever the   
Bureau for Child Welfare reads my handwritten plea.   
My next present was a Weasley jumper.   
Finally, Percy acknowledged me!   
My last present was an invisibility cloak.

**Current Mood:** Awestruck

**_Comment:_**_ I've heard of those!_   
_They're really rare!_   
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** Invisibility… hmm… This could be interesting…  
Let's see… I could go to class naked…  
I could watch Madam Hooch undress…  
I could service Percy in the Great Hall…  
Hermione won't be able to find me…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Umm… Harry._   
_Don't you wanna read the card?_   
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** Wait, I'm not done.   
I could see if Wood lives up to his name…  
I could tie Malfoy up and beat him…  
I could get sandwiched between the twins…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_** [interrupting]   
_THE CARD SAYS:_   
_"Your father left this in my possession before he died._   
_It is time it was returned to you. _  
_Use it well." _  
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** Oh, I definitely will!   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 18:** Hermione drugged my eggnog and installed  
a muggle GPS homing device inside me so that she can track me   
when I'm sneaking around under my invisibility cloak.   
Crazy psycho bitch!   
Ron actually thought it was a good idea.   
Crazy psycho bastard!

**Current Mood:** Violated

**_Comment:_**_ It's for your own good, you know…_  
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Yeah, Harry. We need to make sure I get to shag you first._   
**_- Ron_**__

**_Comment:_**_ RON!!!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**

------------------

**POST 19:** Hermione, Ron, and I found out about the Sorcerer's Stone.   
If I find the Stone, the author will age all of us all to sixteen.   
Then, we can shag each other like rabbits without the author  
being accused of being a sick, twisted, degenerate fuck.   
WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STONE?!!!!!

**Current Mood:** Searching desperately

**_Comment:_**_ I should inform you both that I am NOT aiding in your quest to find_  
_the Sorcerer's Stone because of an interest in furthering Harry's future_  
_sexual proclivities. I am merely assisting in this venture to stop _  
_Voldemort from stealing the Stone and destroying the Wizarding World. _  
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Hermione, you need to get your priorities straight._   
**_- Ron_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I think she just needs a good bang. _  
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ You dirty whore, you're planning to cheat on me… again!_   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment:_**_ But she's a girl!_   
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ That hasn't stopped you before._   
**_- George_**__

**_Comment:_**_ But Katie, Sibyll and Angelina don't count. _  
**_- Fred_**__

**_Comment:_**_ You shagged Professor Trelawney?_   
**_- Ron_**

**Reply:** I think she may have shagged him…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**[gulp]   
**_- Ron_**

------------------

**POST 20:** More time has passed since I last updated.   
In the past few months, I tried to shag fifty people (all foiled by bloody Granger),   
I got abandoned by Malfoy on our second date in the Forbidden Forest,   
I got hit on by Hagrid's strangely attractive pet dragon, and uh…  
I'm about to go battle Snape to find the Sorcerer's Stone,   
save the Wizarding World and magically become sixteen.   
[entering the last chamber and finding Professor Quirrell there]   
YOU!!!!

**Current Mood:** Astonished

**_Comment:_**_ ME!!!!! _  
**_- Professor Quirrell_**__

**_Comment:_**_ US!!!!! _  
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** But I thought… Snape?   
What're you two doing fused together?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Well, Quirrell said he wanted me to give him head… _  
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** I'm sorry I asked.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Quirrell, you must find the Sorcerer's Stone…_  
**_- Uncle Voldie_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Master, I cannot find it in the Mirror._   
_I look into the Mirror of Erised, and see you naked_  
_with whip cream, nuts and a cherry spread all over your… _  
**_- Professor Quirrell_**

**Reply:** Um… maybe I should come back later.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ SILENCE!!!! _  
[tying Harry up with a bondage spell]   
_What shall I do now, Master?_   
**_- Professor Quirrell_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Use the boy!_   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**__

**_Comment:_**_ But the troll buggered him first._   
**_- Professor Quirrell_**__

**_Comment:_**_ I meant to get the Stone._   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**__

**_Comment:_** [unbinding Harry]   
_Come here, Potter._   
_Look in the Mirror and tell me what you see…_  
**_- Professor Quirrell_**

**Reply:** I see Hermione bound and gagged,   
so that someone could finally ATTEMPT!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ He lies!_   
**_- Professor Quirrell_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Uh… no I think he's telling the truth._   
_What else do you see, Potter?_   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** I see the Sorcerer's Stone shoved up against my prostate.   
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Give it to me!_   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**

**Reply:** Umm… I think I'll need a pair of pliers to get it out first.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Seize him!!!!!_   
**_- Uncle Voldie_**__

**_Comment:_** [grabbing Harry's arse]   
_I'M MELTING! MEEEELTING!!!!!_   
**_- Professor Quirrell_**

**_Comment:_**_ Damn you, Potter! I'll be back!!!_   
_It might take me another year, a diary and a horny redhead, but I'll be back!_   
**_- Uncle Voldie_** [also melting]

**Reply:** Gee, I think I should faint now.   
**- Harry**

------------------

**POST 21:** Woke up in the Infirmary.   
Hmm… something's different.   
[feels family jewels]   
Oh my god, I'M HUGE!!!!!

**Current Mood:** Excited

**_Comment:_**_ Good afternoon, Harry._   
_You can take your hand off of your crotch now. _  
**_- Albus_**

**Reply:** Excuse me Professor, I was just excited…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Well, you should be._   
_It's not very often that an eleven year old magically becomes sixteen._   
_And growing up certainly has its benefits. _  
**_- Albus_**

**Reply:** Professor, why did Quirrell disintegrate when he touched my arse?   
It must have been my mother's love. She died to save me.   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Actually, Hermione booby-trapped your arse _  
_so that no one else could ATTEMPT._   
**_- Albus_**

**Reply:** Then how did you extract the Sorcerer's Stone without disintegrating?   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ Well, naturally I removed the trap. _  
_I wouldn't want a strapping sixteen-year-old lad like yourself to be… constrained._   
**_- Albus_** [wink, wink]

------------------

**POST 22:** Left the Infirmary and headed straight for the Dungeon.   
Found a sixteen-year-old Hermione tied up naked on Snape's four poster bed.   
The strangely attractive Potions Master was about to butter her biscuit when I intervened.

**Current Mood:** Vindictive

**_Comment:_**_ Harry, what the fuck are you doing here? _  
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** Hey, you're not gonna spend all year ruining my sex life,   
and then shag Snape when you want to get some action!   
What goes around, comes around, sweetheart!   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ But, Mr. Potter… are you sure you wouldn't want to… join us?_   
**_- Severus_**

**Reply:** I have a better idea…  
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ What's that?_   
**_- Severus_**

**Reply:** I'll let you shag me if we make her watch…  
**- Harry** [removing his clothes and leaping onto the bed]

**_Comment:_**_ WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!_   
_I DEMAND THAT YOU UNTIE ME!_   
**_- Hermione_**

**Reply:** [moan]   
**- Harry**

**_Comment:_**_ OH FOR HEAVEN SAKE! NO!_   
_DON'T STICK IT IN… GODDAMMIT!_   
_SOMEBODY UNTIE ME!!!!!_   
**_- Hermione_**__

**_Comment:_**_ Oh Harry… you're tighter than your father. _  
**_- Severus_**

**Reply:** WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
**- Harry and Hermione**

**THE END**

------------------------------------------------------

**_Looking for more? Here are two extra postings from the first series of The Very Secret LiveJournals! _**

**SIRIUS BLACK**

****

**October 31, 1981**

**POST:** Conveniently arrived in Godric's Hollow too late   
to risk my neck in order to save James and Lily.   
Hagrid was already there, ready to snatch my godson.   
He told me he was acting on Dumbledore's orders,   
and stole my flying motorcycle.   
My motorcycle then got a whole write-up in the first book   
and a cameo in the movie. That's outrageous!   
My motorcycle gets more attention than I do!   
How dare J.K. do this to me?! I'm under contract!   
Who the fuck does she think she is?!

**Current Mood:** Fuming

**_Comment:_**_ You really don't want to mess with me, Sirius._   
**_- J.K. Rowling_**

**Reply:** Oh yeah. Bring it on, bitch.   
Wait, what d'you mean I'm under arrest?   
I'm going to Azkaban for twelve years for a crime I DIDN'T COMMIT?!   
_What the fuck? _  
Come on J.K., I was kidding. KIDDING!   
Come on. Let me go. Please…   
_OH SHIT!!!! _  
**- Sirius**

------------------

**FRED WEASLEY**

****

**June 30, 1992**

**POST:** I can't believe it!   
I can't fucking believe it!   
I'm the funniest guy in this whole bloody parody,   
and the author gives me one measly post!

**Current Mood:** Irate

**_Comment:_**_ That's because you're a one trick pony. _  
**_- George_**

**Reply:** WHAT?!!!!!!   
**- Fred**

**_Comment:_**_ C'mon Fred. Be reasonable._   
_All you do is steal my Vaseline, get fucked by somebody,_   
_and then get in a big ol' fight with me about it. _  
_You're a one trick pony. You're boring… _  
**_- George_**

**Reply:** HOW DARE YOU!!!!   
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY FOR A WEEK!!!!   
**- Fred**

**_Comment:_**_ I don't want any of that anyway…_  
**_- George_**

**Reply:** Fine…  
**- Fred**

**_Comment:_** [humph]   
**_- George_**

**Reply:** Um… George?   
**- Fred**

**_Comment:_**_ Yeah?_   
**_- George_**

**Reply:** Can I ask a favor?   
**- Fred**

**_Comment:_**_ What's that?_   
**_- George_**

**Reply:** Can I borrow your Vaseline?   
**- Fred**

------------------

**Author's Note:** Yay, we finished _The Very Secret LiveJournals_ for the first book, _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Thank you all so much for sharing in this experience with us. Daylyn and I have laughed long and hard while writing these LiveJournals for you.

But don't worry, we are already planning to write _The Very Secret LiveJournals_ for the second book, _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_. And yes, we will definitely mock and slash Dobby, the Basilisk, the Dueling Club, young buck Tom Riddle, Harry speaking Parseltongue, anything dealing with Gilderoy Lockhart, and, of course, the Whomping Willow.

**_TEASER:_**_ "Oh Harry, don't you wanna explore my Chamber of Secrets?" - Ginny_

_**Which journal should we write next?** Ginny? Draco? Ron? Dobby? _

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	8. Dobby, Season 2

**My Very Secret LiveJourn****a****l **

by

Dobby

_- - -_

Se**a****son Two **

1992-93

**POST 1:** Crawled out of bed.  
Crept softly down the marble staircase  
into the grand foyer.  
Hid in the shadow of the stairs.  
Listened…

**Current Mood:** Eavesdropping

**_Comment:_**_ McN__a__ir, it's __a__bout time you __a__rrived.  
Are you re__a__dy to t__a__lk __a__bout Uncle Voldie's Secret Pl__a__n?  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** Is _a__nyone else here?  
**- McN**_**_a_****_ir_**

**Comment:** Just _a__ house elf lying n__a__ked in my bed.  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** Good. Lucius, the Secret Pl_a__n is on schedule.  
The Ch__a__mber of Secrets is __a__bout to be opened!  
**- McN**_**_a_****_ir_**

**Comment:** Ooh, I love opening secret ch_a__mbers.  
Especi__a__lly tight, smelly ones.  
I me__a__n… good work, McN__a__ir!  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** But Lucius, Uncle Voldie never told me  
wh_a__t would h__a__ppen once the Ch__a__mber is opened.  
**- McN**_**_a_****_ir_**

**Comment:** Isn't it obvious?  
The D_a__rk Lord will return!  
The Second W__a__r will begin!  
The De__a__th E__a__ters will t__a__ke over the world!  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** Ye_a__h, ye__a__h, I know __a__ll th__a__t.  
But __a__ren't you pl__a__nning __a__nything… s__a__ucy?  
**- McN**_**_a_****_ir_**

**Comment:** Of course. We're going to comm_a__nd __a__ gi__a__nt sn__a__ke to  
sh__a__g __a__ll the Mudbloods!  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** Th_a__t's it? There's nothing… s__a__ucier?  
**- McN**_**_a_****_ir_**

**Comment:** Well, we _a__lso pl__a__n to lure H__a__rry Potter  
down into the Ch__a__mber __a__nd deflower him.  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** I MUST PROTECT HARRY POTTER!  
**- Dobby**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 2: **Escaped from Malfoy Manor.  
Apparated into Mr. Harry Potter's bedroom.  
Climbed into Mr. Harry Potter's bed.  
Got stuck to Mr. Harry Potter's bedsheets.  
Oh no, he's climbing up the stairs…

**Current Mood:** Sticky

**_Comment:_**_ Er… hello.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** Mr. Harry… THOSE EYES!  
So long has Dobby wanted to meet… THAT BODY!  
Since when did you turn sixteen?  
I thought you were supposed to be twelve.  
**- Dobby** (standing up, still stuck to the bedsheets)

**_Comment:_**_ Long story. Who the hell __a__re you?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Dobby, sir. Dobby the house elf.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Why don't you sit down?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** S-sit down? Dobby can't, sir…  
Dobby's arse is too sore from servicing the Master!  
**- Dobby** (wailing)

**_Comment:_**_ I'm sorry I __a__sked…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** That's why Dobby's stuck to your bedsheets, sir.  
**- Dobby** (still wailing)

**_Comment:_**_ I'm _really_ sorry I __a__sked…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** But Dobby promises to wash the sheets, sir,  
once Dobby gets unstuck.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Umm… why don't you keep the bedsheets, Dobby.  
Ye__a__h, think of them __a__s __a__ gift from me to you.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** A gift? Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir,  
but of your goodness, Dobby never knew.  
**- Dobby** (sobbing)

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby ple__a__se… ple__a__se be quiet.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** Dobby's terribly sorry, sir.  
It's just that… you asked me to sit down… like an _equ__a__l_.  
And all my Master wants me to do is bend over!  
**- Dobby** (sobbing hysterically)

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby… Dobby it's __a__ll right.  
Oh my God, wh__a__t're you doing?  
Don't shove my desk l__a__mp up your __a__rse!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Dobby has to punish himself, sir.  
Dobby almost spoke ill of his family.  
**- Dobby** (shoving the lamp up his arse)

**_Comment:_**_ You me__a__n you get fucked__ by __a__n entire f__a__mily?  
Ple__a__se tell me they don't know you're here.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Oh no sir, no…  
Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you.  
**- Dobby** (pulling out the lamp and grabbing Hedwig)

**_Comment:_**_ No Dobby! Put Hedwig down!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Put me down, you sick fuck!  
**- Hedwig**

**Reply:** But Dobby's been bad! Bad Dobby, bad Dobby!  
**- Dobby** (shoving Hedwig up his arse)

**_Comment:_**_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
**- Hedwig**_

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 3: **Mr. Harry Potter does not appreciate why  
Dobby has to punish himself.  
Neither does Mr. Harry Potter's owl.  
I wonder why?

**Current Mood:** Concerned

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, will you ple__a__se remove my owl from your __a__rse before she suffoc__a__tes!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Oops.  
**- Dobby** (unplugging Hedwig)

**_Comment:_**_ I NEED A FUCKING BATH! WITH BLEACH!  
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, HARRY POTTER!  
MARK MY WORDS!  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** Er… why _a__re you here, Dobby?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (Ignoring Hedwig)

**Reply:** Dobby has come to protect Mr. Harry Potter, to warn him,  
even if he does have to punish himself again.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ OH, HELL NO!  
**- Hedwig**  
_  
**Reply:** Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts school this year!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ W-wh__a__t? But I've got to go b__a__ck – term st__a__rts on September first.  
It's __a__ll th__a__t's keeping me going. You don't know wh__a__t it's like here.  
I don't belong here. I belong in your world…  
Hey, put th__a__t violin down! It's not funny!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Dobby is very sorry, sir.  
It's just that Mr. Harry Potter is wallowing in self-pity,  
so Dobby wanted to give him some musical accompaniment.  
**- Dobby** (playing "Hearts and Flowers" on the violin)

**_Comment:_**_ Wh__a__tever. Dobby, there's no w__a__y th__a__t you're gonn__a__ convince me  
not to return to Hogw__a__rts. I promised Ron I'd bone his semi-virgin __a__rse…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** No, no, no. Mr. Harry Potter won't be safe. There is a plot…  
A sinister plot to take Mr. Harry Potter dry!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Been there, done th__a__t.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** By a well endowed beast!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Been there, done th__a__t.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** With the surname of Malfoy!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ I didn't know Dr__a__co w__a__s __a__ top. How interesting.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Harry Potter, please. You can't go back to Hogwarts.  
You will lose your precious virginity!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Virginity? I'm not __a__ virgin.  
Between the troll __a__nd the Potions M__a__ster, I'm still we__a__ring Depends.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ But Mr. H__a__rry Potter's __a__rse isn't.  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** Hey!  
**- H****_a_****_rry_**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 4: **Dobby has been very very very bad.

**Current Mood:** Bad

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby? Dobby, wh__a__t're you doing?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Dobby must be punished, sir.  
Dobby' betrayed his Master's trust _a__g__a__in_.  
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!  
**- Dobby** (banging his head against the wall)

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby ple__a__se! You c__a__n't m__a__ke this much noise!  
C__a__n't you punish yourself quietly?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** No. But yoooooooou can…  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ ME? WHAT?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Beat Dobby! Spank Dobby! Shame Dobby!  
Dobby is very very bad!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ WHAT!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Bad Dobby's very flexible, sir.  
Bad Dobby can take it all!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ NO!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** You me_a__n you h__a__ve st__a__nd__a__rds, H__a__rry?  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** Well, I do find Dobby str_a__ngely __a__ttr__a__ctive, but not _that_a__ttr__a__ctive!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** But I thought you h_a__ve __a__ penis?  
**- Hedwig**  
_  
**Reply:** Bad Dobby can take the whole penis, sir.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Hedwig, I __a__m going to murder you.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** I told you I would h_a__ve my revenge.  
**- Hedwig** _

**Reply:** Bad Dobby's also into fisting, sir.  
Bad Dobby can take both fists.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh de__a__r God!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry _****_a_****_nd Hedwig _**_  
_  
**Reply:** Bad Dobby also does a good sheep imitation, sir.  
BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ OH DEAR GOD!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry _****_a_****_nd Hedwig_**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 5: **Mr. Harry Potter still wants to go back to Hogwarts School.  
Dobby knows the perfect way to convince him to stay home.

**Current Mood:** Plotting

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, I h__a__ve to go b__a__ck to Hogw__a__rts. I w__a__nt to be with my friends __a__nd fuck buddies.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Friends and fuck buddies who don't write to Harry Potter?  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ How do you know my friends __a__nd fuck buddies h__a__ven't been writing to me?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Mr. Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby.  
Dobby hoped… if Mr. Harry Potter thought his friends and fuck buddies  
had forgotten him… he might not want to go back to school, sir.  
**- Dobby** (removing a HUGE WAD of sticky letters from his grubby outfit)

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, h__a__ve you been stopping my m__a__il?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Umm… duh.  
**- Hedwig**

**Comment:** Give me those…  
**- H****_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Umm… d'you know where those letters h_a__ve been?  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** NOW!  
**- H****_a_****_rry_** (lunging at Dobby)

**Reply:** Mr. Harry Potter will have them, sir,  
if he gives Dobby his word that he won't go back to Hogwarts.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ No. Give me my friends letters!_  
(lunges at Dobby, misses him) _  
At le__a__st give me the letters from my fuck buddies!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Then Mr. Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Don't shove the letters up your __a__rse!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 6: **Mr. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.  
Mr. Harry Potter is planning to go back to Hogwarts.  
Then Dobby must resort to Plan B.  
Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter so that the Master won't want his mangled arse.

**Current Mood:** Sprinting down the stairs and levitating Aunt Petunia's chocolate pudding

**_Comment:_**_ No… ple__a__se… they'll kill me.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Mr. Harry Potter must say that he's not going back to Hogwarts.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ I c__a__n't.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** Then Dobby must do this, sir, for Mr. Harry Potter's own good.  
**- Dobby** (transfiguring the pudding into a giant chocolate dildo  
and sending it barreling towards Harry's arse)

**_Comment:_**_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 7:** Looked in Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.  
Discovered that being deflowered by a giant chocolate pudding sex toy  
does not constitute a loss of virginity.  
Damn…

**Current Mood:** Crushed

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, c__a__n I borrow your chocol__a__te pudding sex toy?  
**- Fred** _

**Comment:** You dirty whore! You're che_a__ting on me!  
**- George** _

**Comment:** I thought sex toy_s d__on't count.  
**- Fred** _

**Comment:** They do when they're th_a__t big.  
**- George** _

**Comment:** How would you know how big it is?  
**- Fred**

**Comment:** Er… no re_a__son.  
**- George** _

**Comment:** George…  
**- Fred**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 8:** Dobby must stop Mr. Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts School.  
Dobby will seal up the portal at Platform Nine and Three-quarters  
so that Mr. Harry Potter will get a head injury crashing into it.  
It's the only way to keep Harry Potter safe from harm…

**Current Mood:** Plotting

**_Comment:_**_ OWWWWWW! MY HEAD!  
THAT FUCKING HURT!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (crashing into the sealed platform)

**_Comment:_**_ BLOODY HELL!  
WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE TRAIN!  
**- Ron**_

**Reply:** Hee hee hee… Good Dobby, good Dobby.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Wh__a__t're we gonn__a__ do now?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Well, we could sh_a__g in the b__a__ck se__a__t of my p__a__rent's c__a__r.  
**- Ron** _

**Comment:** THE CAR!  
**- H****_a_****_rry _****_a_****_nd Hedwig_**

**Reply:** Oh fuck!  
**- Dobby**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 9:** Dobby has failed again…  
Dobby must punish himself unless Dobby comes up with another brilliant plan.  
That's it! Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter with a rogue bludger!

**Current Mood:** Still scheming

**_Comment:_**_ Why __a__re we pl__a__ying Quidditch with __a__ rogue bludger?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Don't _a__sk silly questions, Potter.  
The rogue bludger will distr__a__ct __a__ttention while I hit on Minerv__a__.  
**- M**_**_a_****_d_****_a_****_m Hooch_**

**Comment:** H_a__ h__a__, I'm gonn__a__ be__a__t Potter to the golden snitch!  
**- Dr**_**_a_****_co_**

**Comment:** Look out, Dr_a__co! The bludger's gonn__a__ t__a__ke you dry!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** NO, I PROMISED I'D SAVE MY VIRGINITY FOR…  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
**- Dr****_a_****_co_** (getting impaled by the rogue bludger) 

**Comment:** THAT'S GOTTA HURT!  
**- Entire Audience**

**Reply:** Dammit! I didn't tell the bludger which virgin seeker to deflower!  
The brunette! You're supposed to shag the brunette!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ But he's not __a__ virgin.  
**- Bludger**_

**Reply:** Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Wh__a__tever.  
**- Bludger** _

**Comment:** Hermione, the bludger plunging tow_a__rds H__a__rry's __a__rse,  
__a__nd he's completely oblivious!  
**- Ron** _

**Comment:** Let me h_a__ndle this.  
STOP MR. BLUDGER! I WILL CURSE YOU IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT!  
**- Hermione** _

**Comment:** Ye_a__h. Wh__a__tever, bitch.  
**- Bludger** _

**Comment:** Y_a__y, I c__a__ught the golden snitch… __a__g__a__in!  
And this time I didn't sw__a__llow it!  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (getting plugged by the rogue bludger)

**_Comment:_**_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
**- Hermione** _

**Comment:** HE CAN TAKE THE WHOLE BLUDGER?  
**- Entire Audience**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 10:** Reread the Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.  
Unfortunately, being plugged by a rogue bludger does not  
constitute a loss of virginity.  
Double damn.

**Current Mood:** Devastated

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (recovering in the Infirmary)

**Reply:** Mr. Harry Potter came back to school.  
He should have heeded Dobby's warning.  
Why didn't Harry Potter go home after he missed the train?  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ How d'you know I missed the tr__a__in?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Umm… isn't it bloody obvious?  
**- Hedwig**

**Comment:** It w_a__s you! You stopped the b__a__rrier from letting us through.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Shocker.  
**- Hedwig**

**Reply:** Indeed yes, sir. And Dobby was so stunned when  
Mr. Harry Potter found another way to Hogwarts that he let his Master's dinner burn.  
Such a fucking Dobby never had, sir.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ You ne__a__rly got Ron __a__nd me expelled, you idiot…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Dobby's used to name calling, sir.  
Master calls Dobby names five times a day.  
He especially likes calling me Goldilocks, Robin,  
and Felicia the Skanky Ewe.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Felici__a__?  
**- Hedwig**_

**Reply:** BAAAAAA!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ OH DEAR GOD!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** (blows his nose on his filthy pillowcase outfit)  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, why d'you we__a__r such __a__ thing?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**_  
_  
**Reply:** It's my Master's cum rag.  
Tis a mark of the house elf's enslavement, sir.  
Dobby can only be freed if his Master presents him with new clothes.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ The horror! The horror!  
**- Hedwig**_

**Reply:** Harry Potter must go home.  
Dobby thought his bludger was enough to…  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Your bludger! Wh__a__t d'you me__a__n, your bludger?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** (whacks head against cage repeatedly) _  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** You m_a__de th__a__t bludger try __a__nd kill me?  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Not kill you, sir, never kill you.  
Dobby wanted the bludger to deflower you!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ BUT I'M NOT A VIRGIN!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** Nonsense, Mr. Harry Potter has never been plucked.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Well, he sure __a__s hell h__a__s been fucked.  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** HEDWIG!  
**- H****_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** You must understand.  
Dobby wanted to save Mr. Harry Potter's virgin arse.  
Better to be sent home, impaled by a rogue bludger,  
than to remain here, sir.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ DOBBY, THANKS TO YOU, I HAVE NO FEELING LEFT IN MY CHEEKS!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Actu_a__lly, I think you should th__a__nk the __a__nesthetic  
Poppy used when she h__a__d to extr__a__ct the bludger… remember?  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** Wh_a__tever.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**- - - - - - -**

**POST 11:** Mr. Harry Potter saved the Wizarding World… again!  
Mr. Harry Potter didn't get deflowered in the Chamber of Secrets.  
The Master is quite annoyed that he didn't get to pluck The Boy Who Lived.  
The Master thinks I warned him.  
But it turns out that Mr. Harry Potter wasn't a virgin after all!

**Current Mood:** Pleasantly surprised

**_Comment:_**_ I'll de__a__l with you l__a__ter, Felici__a__.  
**- Lucius**  
_  
**Reply:** Baaaaaa…  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ W__a__it, Mr. M__a__lfoy, I h__a__ve something th__a__t belongs to you.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (handing Lucius a sock)

**_Comment:_**_ Wh__a__t the fuck is this? _  
(flinging the sock aside) _  
Come, Dobby. I s__a__id come.  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** Not anymore. Master gave Dobby a sock.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ WHAT?  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** Master threw it and Dobby caught it.  
Dobby is free!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ You lost me my c__a__t__a__mite, Potter!  
**- Lucius**_ (drawing his wand)

**_Comment:_**_ I c__a__nnot believe you referred to th__a__t thing __a__s your c__a__t__a__mite.  
**- Hedwig**  
_  
**Reply:** You shall not harm Harry Potter!  
**- Dobby** (ignoring Hedwig)

**_Comment:_**_ Av__a__d__a__ Ked… AHHHHHHHHHH!  
**- Lucius**_ (getting whacked in the head with the sock)

**Reply:** Now get out of here before I whack you with my grubby outfit…  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh shit!  
**- Lucius**_ (hurrying out of sight)

**Reply:** Harry Potter freed Dobby!  
Harry Potter set Dobby free!  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Dobby, just m__a__ke me one promise.  
Never try to s__a__ve my __a__rse __a__g__a__in.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Reply:** (hugging Harry)  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Awwwwwwww… this is so… touching.  
**- Hedwig**_ (tearing up)

**_Comment:_**_ Oh Dobby…  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** What're you doing back here?  
You're not adhering to canon.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ I just re__a__lized th__a__t my forehe__a__d's sticky.  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** Huh?  
**- Dobby, H****a****rry ****a****nd Hedwig**

**_Comment:_**_ The sock you wh__a__cked me with w__a__s full of m__a__njuice.  
Th__a__t w__a__s __a__ used sock! You're still my little c__a__t__a__mite!  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** (glares at Harry)  
**- Dobby ****a****nd Hedwig**

**_Comment:_**_ Sorry, Dobby… I'm __a__ growing boy.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_** (blushing)

**Reply:** Mr. Harry Potter soiled Dobby's sock.  
Dobby isn't free.  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ C'mon, Dobby. Think on the bright side.  
Tonight you might even get to pl__a__y… Robin!  
**- Lucius**_

**Reply:** Do I get to say, "What are you putting in my arse, Batman"?  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ M__a__a__a__a__a__ybe.  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** Oh de_a__r God!  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry _****_a_****_nd Hedwig_**

**Reply:** How about, "Holy guacamole Batman, that's a big enchilada"?  
**- Dobby**

**_Comment:_**_ Yeeeeeeeees.  
**- Lucius** _

**Comment:** OH DEAR GOD!  
**- H****_a_****_rry _****_a_****_nd Hedwig_**

**_

* * *

_****_Looking for more? Here _****_a_****_re excerpts from _****_a_****_ future posting of The Very Secret LiveJourn_****_a_****_ls! _**

**Uncle Vernon**

**POST:** Invited the Masons over for dinner.  
With any luck, this will be the most important deal of my career.  
And there's no way that Potter boy will ruin it for me!

**Current Mood:** Determined

**_Comment:_**_ BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
**- Dobby** _

**Reply:** I'm sorry for the noises upstairs, Mrs. Mason.  
Dudley must have left his television on the Discovery Channel…  
I'd better go up and check.  
(climbing up the stairs and opening the bedroom door)  
What – the – devil – are - you – doing, boy?  
**- Uncle Vernon**

**_Comment:_**_ Nothing…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** (bats eyes innocently) _  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** (hides in closet) _  
**- Dobby** _

**Reply:** When did you turn your bloody pigeon brown?  
I thought she was white?  
**- Uncle Vernon **

**_Comment:_**_ She w__a__s…  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** (bats eyes innocently) _  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** (hides in closet) _  
**- Dobby** _

**Reply:** Silence. One more sound out of you or that filthy pigeon and  
you'll wish you've never been born, boy.  
**- Uncle Vernon**

**_Comment:_**_ Hoot! Hoot!  
**- Hedwig** _

**Comment:** Baaaaaa!_  
**- Dobby** _

**Reply:** WHAT?  
**- Uncle Vernon **  
_  
**Comment:**_ (bats eyes innocently)  
_**- Hedwig** _

_**Comment:** (hides in closet)  
**- Dobby** _

**- - - - - - -**

**Gilderoy Lockh****a****rt**

**POST:** I'm so pretty. Oh so pretty.  
I'm so pretty, and witty, and GAY!

**Current Mood:** Singing

**_Comment:_**_ I didn't know you were __a__ homosexu__a__l.  
**- Albus** _

**Comment:** Umm… duh.  
**- Hedwig**

**Comment:** (faints) _  
**- Molly We**_**_a_****_sley_**

**Reply:** Nonsense, I am very straight.  
**- Gilderoy** (flashing his signature smile)

**_Comment:_**_ Re__a__lly?  
**- Molly**_ (recovering)

**_Comment:_**_ Oh ple__a__ses, Mum, he's __a__ r__a__unchy pig bottom.  
**- Ginny** _

**Comment:** (faints again) _  
**- Molly**  
_  
**Reply:** I am NOT a homosexual!  
**- Gilderoy**

**_Comment:_**_ Aww… isn't th__a__t just __a__dor__a__ble? He's in the closet.  
**- Millicent** _

**Comment:** (faints) _  
**- L**_**_a_****_vender_**

**Comment:** Perh_a__ps I should offer him some of my speci__a__l V__a__seline potion?  
**- Severus** _

**Comment:** M_a__ybe he'd like some Cr__a__bbe-me__a__t?  
**- Cr**_**_a_****_bbe_**

**Comment:** (faints) _  
**- Poppy**_

**Reply:** I don't believe this. I am not a flaming poof!  
**- Gilderoy**

**_Comment:_**_ Oh re__a__lly, then our l__a__st detention me__a__nt nothing to you.  
**- Fred** _

**Comment:** You dirty b_a__st__a__rd!  
You're che__a__ting on me… AGAIN!  
**- George**_

**Reply:** That was just a fluke… really.  
**- Gilderoy**

**_Comment:_**_ And wh__a__t __a__bout our detention?  
W__a__s th__a__t __a__ fluke… too?  
**- Wood** (winking __a__t Gilderoy)  
_  
**Reply:** Oh, yeah. That, too…  
**- Gilderoy**

**_Comment:_** (faints) _  
**- Sibyll**_

**Reply:** But I can't be gay. All the women adore me.  
**- Gilderoy**

**_Comment:_**_ It's the curse of the pink w__a__nd. They love __a__ll us closet c__a__ses.  
**- Dr**_**_a_****_co_**

**Comment:** You're g_a__y, too?  
**- P**_**_a_****_nsy_**

**Comment:** (walks away whistling) _  
**- Dr**_**_a_****_co_**

**Comment:** Oh for he_a__ven's s__a__ke, why __a__re __a__ll the blokes g__a__y?  
**- Hermione** _

**Comment:** Bec_a__use this is HP sl__a__sh f__a__nfiction.  
All of the guys __a__re g__a__y except Filch __a__nd H__a__grid… 'c__a__use th__a__t's just n__a__sty.  
**- H**_**_a_****_rry_**

**Comment:** Wh_a__t __a__re you t__a__lking __a__bout? M__a__ster Filch porks me every night.  
**- H**_**_a_****_grid_**

**Comment:** WHAT? YOU UNFAITHFUL WHORE!  
**- F****_a_****_ng_**

**Comment:** (faints) _  
**- Everyone **_**_a_****_t Hogw_****_a_****_rts_**

_**

* * *

** _

**Author notes:** Hello again. Well, I have completed Dobby's Very Secret LiveJournals, and now it's time to parody the rest of _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!_

**Which LiveJourn****a****l should I write next?** Ginny? Draco? Ron?

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**PS: **If you would like to receive updates on this fic, please add me to your Author Alerts.


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